Stickman Readers' Submissions October 21st, 2003

No, It’s Not Easy

By LiveInLOS

This is a reply to the submission done by Eddie recently. I can understand the message he is trying to get across to us, because I’m in a very similar position.

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I need to clarify a few things first. I’m now in my 40’s and have been single all my life, mostly by choice, but sometimes due to circumstances. Of course I dated over the years and had girlfriends back home, but I never wanted to rush into a relationship and so I never seemed to end up in one. When I was younger (god, I hate that phrase) I think I understood that a serious relationship takes time, but time was one thing I never seemed to have. Later I saw most of my friends in serious relationships, some already failing (and occasionally children complicating things). Even further along most of the relationships / marriages of my friends had either failed or were a love / hate relationship, with the major part of it focused on the hate. The ones that did divorce where now in a worse financial position that myself. Yes, they had been better off than me for a while, but by the time the divorce was done, lawyers paid and everything settled, every single one was in a somewhat sorry state financially. Those that stayed together weren’t very happy, their life usually consisted of “work, come home and more often than not, fight”. At that time I figured the single life I had been living wasn’t really so bad.

I also have a passion for traveling and seeing new things and being single I had the money to do this. I have lived in many different places and countries over the last 20 years and some years ago while I was looking at new places to see on holidays, the travel agent had a real good deal for a trip to Thailand, so I figured I’d have a look. I can honestly say that on my very first trip I did not “sample” the naughty delights. I knew what was available, but as I was only there for 6 days, I was a good boy and just did the normal touristy things – visiting temples, boat trips to islands, etc. I did go to bars in the evening, but always went home alone. One bar I did go to I got to know 3 girls fairly well, I’d buy them the odd drink and the overall cost for me for the night would have been around 1000-1200B (with me drinking the most of it and thank God for happy hours. LOL). They’d go to dance, work customers, but when they where free, they would sit with me and look after me. I was never alone though, one would always stay with me. They’d even buy snacks from their own money and feed me with it. The only time I paid the bar for them (yes, all 3) was on my last night and we went to a disco, sort of a goodbye party and what a party it ended up being, but again I went home alone that night.

As a side note, yes I knew fully what these girls where doing for a living, but I had made it quite clear to them that I wouldn’t be interested in that. But if they where interested in just sitting with me and having a chat, I would love to have their company. 2 other girls hadn’t liked that idea and I never got another look from them, but these 3 seemed to be happy to chill and just have a laugh. Hell, on occasions they’d even save me money by buying things I had wanted and getting the local price, I’d just pay them back (and yes, I did check and I never got the same cheap price from vendors!).

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I liked what I had seen, so on following trips back to LOS, I managed to enjoy a nice blend of playing tourist during the day, seeing sights, etc and partying hard at night. My first “girlfriend for a night” was somewhat forgettable, but later I met some really easygoing and fun girls, which I still see today. With every one of them I get the full girlfriend experience and they look after me very well. I know I might get flamed for this, but they treated me better than almost every single girlfriend I had back home and it isn’t always p4p. On the odd occasion I have run into one in particular and she’d stay over, even though I told here in advance that I couldn’t take her tonight, as I didn’t have the money for it. Her usual reply is “no matter, you not sleep alone tonight”. They know I won’t marry them nor be their “cash cow”, again I had made that quite clear, but even still the affection they are able to give is amazing. I do however try and treat them with respect and don’t bullshit them. I know I “butterfly” (grr, another one of those words I hate), so I make sure they know that about me. They know that when I can spend time with them, I will, but when I can’t, I won’t. Even though I have been caught out once or twice I never had a single problem (yet). They just have a laugh about it and tease the hell out of me next time.

So the big question I was asking myself after reading Eddie's submission was, would I still be able to have a “normal” relationship after having lived in LOS for a while? If the relationship was along the line of finding someone to truly love and be with and having that love returned as well, no matter how rich or poor you are, I know deep in my heart I would forget about LOS and all the girls here in a heartbeat. In a relationship that wasn’t about money, prestige, etc where the other person really cared about you, I wouldn’t have to think twice.

But if the relationship was along the lines of what most of my friends have been through, or even some of my own more forgettable dates, I can honestly say, I wouldn’t want such a “normal” relationship. Just to give you some ideas, here are some sample questions that where asked of me on first dates, usually quite quickly: “How much do you earn?”, “Who do you work for?”, “Do you own your own house?”, "What sort of car do you own?” and many more along those lines. And in every single case if any of the criteria didn’t meet expectations, I’d be lucky to get the time of day from her after that and that includes cases where I know from mutual friends that she earns and / or owns much less than myself. I’m not ugly, I have met some very attractive women back home over the years and I still count quite a few among my friends. I’m not poor, my job is fairly well paid, but that said, I’m no millionaire. Maybe I’m wrong, but these days most of the women I meet back home that are in my own age range seem to be more interested in my bank balance and what is printed on my business card than actually bothering in getting to know me as a person first. So for now I figure I’ll go with the flow, keep enjoying my single life. Also, contrary to what has been said, I believe that bar girls, just like most other human beings, have a heart. They just get lied to so often that it can take a while before she knows you well enough, until you’ll get to see it. That doesn’t mean that I’ll look for a bar girl as a permanent girlfriend and I would prefer a regular girl working a regular job. Whoever it’ll be, I’ll have to know her for a while and vice versa and it’ll be based on how well we get along and how much I respect her as a person, not how big her bank balance is.

All I can ask in closing is, if you do visit here, treat people as you would like to be treated and show them at lease a little bit of respect. In case some forget, we are only guests here, let’s not wear out our welcome.

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Stickman says:

It is interesting to read about these western women whose relationship choices are predominantly motivated by money. I personally never experienced that, though coming to Thailand as a relatively young guy probably meant that I had yet to hit the age when money started to become the major motivator.

When it comes to serious relationships in Thailand, which means marriage, Thai women are VERY concerned about your ability to provide, and in my opinion, much more so than Western women are.

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