Stickman Readers' Submissions September 23rd, 2003

Reasons To Go To The Land Of 7 Elevens

Thailand, I couldn’t tell you why I went there. I could say that I wanted to experience other cultures, learn a new language and all that other expand your horizons bullshit. I could say I wanted a beach holiday or something like that. It could be a "finding yourself" journey. It could be a historical quest to see ruins hundreds of years old. Or, hell, it could just be for the fact that I could get cheap no strings attached sex. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you why I went. It was probably a combination of all those thing put together. The only thing that matters is that I had the time of my life. One "secondary" reason I went was to see what it feels like to be in a country without a corrupt government. I live in the good old USA and I hate what our government has turned into. I will not spend the rest of my life here and support it. Therefore I need to find a nice place to settle down in before I get too old, and Thailand seemed like a good spot to start looking. Make no mistakes I am still on holiday.

My story begins in the travel office in my home town of Minneapolis, Minnesota. When I walk in all I see is Indian ladies working away in their little cubicles. It took about 45 minutes to get my airplane ticket. Had it taken any longer I could have skipped my whole trip to Thailand and gotten a cultural experience at the same time. At the airport I had to buy yet another ticket because my ticket was 6 month open ended and I could only get a visa for 1 month. For some reason they wouldn’t let me get on the plane until I had proof that I could come home when my visa was up. They saw it as their responsibility that I obeyed the Thai immigration laws. Anyway I get on the plane 38,000 baht poorer and take my losses. To Northwest’s credit, the lady working at the counter was the most helpful person I met on my whole trip. Now the moment I’ve been waiting for; getting on the plane, I have never been on a plane before and it all seems very exiting. Now, I hate airplanes, I’m not scared; they make and my ears hurt. The Tokyo airport is much nicer than the one in America, you can SMOKE in it. Hell, I hear in California you can’t even smoke outside. The people at the gift shop give me change in yen and I wonder what I’m going to do with that. I get on the plane to Bangkok and get a spot next to an older (to me, I’m 24) Japanese guy reading a newspaper thing with naked chicks in it. Once I land in Bangkok I’m terrified, I’m 10,000 kilometres from home and I can’t speak the local language. I felt more alone then than at any time in my whole life.

He Clinic Bangkok

I get a taxi to my hotel after a little trouble finding one that knows where it is. I still couldn’t find it again if I wanted to. On the way there I was amazed at the number of motorcycles and even more amazed at the sheer number of 7-11s. My hotel was more like an apartment building in the middle of a poor residential neighborhood but the price was right and I didn’t come half way around the world to see white people anyway. The very attractive girl working behind the desk was trying her very best to be helpful at finding me a bite to eat on my first night there. She spoke very little English and after a while she just gave up and put me in a cab and told the cab driver to take me to a destination that was totally unknown to me. Now isn’t this an adventure! And all I wanted was a hamburger. He let me off on Sukhumvit soi 4 and I found a whore that was more than happy to show me where to get a burger- FOODLAND duh. After I finish eating I wonder around for a while. It’s weird, I feel safer here than at home and it’s 4 in the morning. After wandering for a while a cab driver offers me a girl. I decline but I tell him he can take me to the closest bank (they have the most secure ATMs). After a little convincing I agree to let him take me to a brothel. They don’t look open, there’s only 2 girls working and they try to charge too much. Oh well, I’m the one that took the cab there in the first place. I pick the more attractive one and pay way too much, 800 baht, agree that I get to keep her till noon and off to my hotel we go; where ever it is.

When we get to my hotel I remembered that I am going to have to take this girl past the extremely attractive receptionist. Oh well, I didn’t have a chance anyway. She takes a shower and asks me for a towel through the cracked open bathroom door. TOWEL, why would I have one of those? This is the cheapest hotel in Bangkok with air, hot water and a flush toilet. Why would they give me such unnecessary things such as towels? How embarrassing. I give her two tee shirts, one to dry herself with, one to wear. I take a shower and when I come out I discover her playing with the TV. It appears to be broken. She works at it for 10 minutes and finally decides its not ever going to work. She goes to sleep and I lay there with a serious case of jet lag. In the afternoon she wakes me up after probably 3 hours of sleep and she asks if I want sex. I comply but my mini me doesn’t. I try to get it up for about 10 minutes and then finally decide it’s never going to work. Now I know how she felt last night with the TV. It’s about 1:30 PM and she has stayed longer than we agreed so she gets ready to leave. She offers to take me to a place where I can buy some towels and I happily accept. I never did catch her name.

I go to the airport to get a refund on my extra ticket that I bought. Well it was Sunday. And so I had to go back tomorrow. I went back to my hotel (I had the pretty girl write the address in Thai for me) and then I went out to explore. I jumped in a cab and went to the only area I could think of, Sukhumvit. I walked from soi 4 to soi 40 something and back again then down soi 3 and back. At about 2:30 AM, as I was crossing Sukhumvit, I got grabbed by some girl. She was somewhat attractive and wanted me to buy her a drink. I agreed so we went and sat at a street vender and she drank on me. I don’t drink but it was entertaining having someone to talk to. Her English was very good. Then she saw one of her friends walk by so I bought her a drink too. Yeah, that’s what I thought too. We got up because nature was calling and she found the nastiest restroom I’d ever seen (that would soon change). We got in a cab to go back to my hotel and she passed out, in the cab not in the hotel. When we got there I had to carry her in after she fell in the mud trying to walk on her own (she wanted to sleep in the mud) and I had to jump the moat encircling my hotel while I was carrying her (they were doing construction (I think)). After the walk of shame past the receptionist, we took the elevator up to my room. She feel asleep on the floor of the elevator and I dragged her into my room. When she saw the bed she promptly jumped up then fell over on it. I took off her shoes covered her up and took a shower. Maybe getting her drunk wasn’t a good idea after all. I fell asleep next to her wondering if I was ever going to get laid here.

CBD bangkok

I woke up the next morning to her shaking me violently. She wanted to know who I was, why she was with me, if we had sex last night, and why I didn’t take all her clothes off. Then we had sex, or well tried to. You see I guess my little trooper has other ideas because he just wouldn’t get more than half hard. That didn’t stop her from trying, she seemed to think if she used her hand long enough that my parts would start working. Well the lube ran out and the pain came in and after about 30 seconds of the worst hand job ever; my parts were swollen and not in a good way. I stopped her. She then promptly tuned on the TV. Tried to make it work and like the first girl, gave up. We took a shower together. I gave her 1000 baht and she threw a fit, so I gave her another 1000 to shut her up. Not the smartest thing to do but effective (she shouldn’t have gotten any after what she put me through the night before). She told me she was going shopping and asked if I wanted to go. I tagged along with her and her 2 friends and I watched her spend all the money I gave her. When we parted ways she gave me her phone number. I was supposed to call her when I got back from the airport and we’d go to a movie. The northwest office at the airport was closed so I had to go back another day. Try as I might I couldn’t figure out how to call her. The whole 9 for outside line plus the 01 for cell phones eluded me.

I laid back in my bed and thought about the pain down under. I put some lotion on it (no seriously) and took a nap. When I woke up I took a shower and gave my hurtin’ unit a thorough inspection. The swelling had gone down and it felt a little better. It was about midnight. So I decided to explore some more. I took a taxi to Sukhumvit soi 3 and walked in a certain new direction. After I was a good distance from Sukhumvit I got lured in to a Turkish bath by a tuktuk driver. When I went in all the girls started whistling waving etc. They quoted me 1200 baht and that actually sounded reasonable for 1.5 hours with any girl. I chose the only girl that didn’t act like a idiot when I came in and she smiled when I pointed towards her.

When we went upstairs into the room we did the get to know you stuff well to make the story shorter everything went off without a hitch (even me I didn’t seem to suffer from my usual problems). Although we didn’t have sex, she was very good with her hands. I really liked this girl. She was very cute, seemed intelligent, and spoke good enough English. She also seemed somewhat honest, when she asked for a tip I asked her how much I should give her. She said 500 baht would be good. So that’s what I gave her. I would have given her up to 5000 baht, I was that happy with the service. On a side note, I would strongly recommend a body massage to anybody visiting Thailand. Even if you don’t have sex, the girl can give you a decent traditional massage instead. It’s that much of a unique experience.

When I woke up the next morning I took a shower and went to the airport right away. Unfortunately for me the Northwest people were not there. The people that they share the office with told me to come back tomorrow. This airport thing is getting old. I went and explored a while then went back to my hotel to clean up. That night I couldn’t resist going back to that massage place to see that girl again. When I when in this time there was no ruckus behind the glass and when I talked to the papasan he told me the price for her would be 1500 baht, I told him last night it was 1200 and I expected the same he said okay but I could not have a "S" girl for that price. I didn’t feel like arguing, so I just let it slide. Up in the room was a very different experience from the night before. We took a bath for like a half hour, she was actually decent conversation as far as bathtub talk goes, we talked about how to pronounce her name "Por"(Bpor)and how to pronounce my name "Nathan" (nassin). I had better luck than she did in Pronunciation 101. Then for the body massage, she tried to give me a good one but said she wasn’t really into it. Then she gave me an awesome traditional massage. She had issues with my toenails, so she clipped them. For the rest or the time we laid in bed and talked. No touching, just talking. She told me about her family, her job (Japanese guys give her 10,000 baht for an hour and a half, on a regular basis). She told me about her farang boyfriends, and a lot about just Thailand in general. When our time was up she asked me if I would barfine (?) her. I asked how much it would cost and she told me not to pay any more than 2000 baht. But they would ask for much more. They wanted 3500, I said 2000 they said they would have to ask their boss who was sleeping on a sofa in the corner. I told them I would give them 2500 if they didn’t wake him up they agreed and off I went with my new found friend. The boss was one big mutha fucka so I decided waking him was not a good idea.

wonderland clinic

We went out drinking in Banglampoo, I figured it would be okay if I drank one night. Then we went back to my hotel after a very fun night out. I took a shower. When I got out she was watching TV. She figured out how to make it work. I even tried to make it work and it confused me, and I’ve got about 300,000 baht worth or stereo equipment at home in America. I just wrote it off as a fluke. She turned off the TV and took a shower. Then we had the most amazing sex I’ve ever had. We took yet another shower together and cuddled up and fell asleep. If you’re still paying attention at this point, that’s five bathing sessions in one day.

When we woke up she wanted to leave. I was sad because I kinda like this girl and I would be sad to see her go. She got dressed and looked at me and said "are you coming, you stay with me at my apartment".

I got dressed quick packed my stuff (I only had a backpack but don’t classify me as a backpacker, my needs are just minimal when it comes to clothes). We jumped in a taxi and off I went to my new temporary home. She apparently didn’t like my shower, because she took a shower as soon as we got there, then I did. She didn’t like my shower, at least I had hot water. And a flush toilet. And air-conditioning. But what am I complaining about, I told her I’d pay her rent and that was only 3000 baht a month. I told her that I would only pay for her needs and not her wants, she said that was fine but she would have to continue to work. Hey, sounds fair to me, I can’t expect her to drop her standard of living for me. That’s right, I stayed with her while she worked. You jealous guys out there could learn from that. Look at it this way, you’re not the first guy she had sex with. You’re not the last either. You are number 18,483. Who cares if she’s doing other people while she’s with you. What does it really matter, its not a real "relationship" anyway. She’s a WHORE. I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, I’m simply calling a spade a spade. Hey, if it helps, just pretend she’s a secretary or something. Not to mention she’s probably just after your money anyway.

I finally got my money from Northwest after 2 more trips to the airport and one to Peninsula Plaza.

This arrangement worked till she got her period. That night we went out drinking with 3 of her (very attractive) friends. I can remember being in a karaoke bar in Bangkok. The next thing I remember is waking up on the beach in Pattaya. That was the first time I saw the ocean. She never went back to work. When we got back to Bangkok about 5 days later she quit her job. I woke up the next morning and she was gone. She left the apartment keys so I wasn’t too worried but she usually told me where she was going. She came home about 2 PM and I asked her where she went. After a little prying she told me she went to go get her passport. I asked why. She lied an answer. I didn’t press her partly because I’m not stupid and mostly because I didn’t really care. Its not my place to tell her what she can and can’t do. However that doesn’t make me any less curious. When she went out to get lunch that day I searched her apartment from top to bottom, I found my answer. She had all the paper work to get a marriage visa in the USA. But it was all expired. She was going to marry some guy named Jimmy in New York. I can see why she would hide this from me. I brought it up to her when she got back and she told me she was NOT going to New York. I told her I didn’t care if she goes to New York and sucks this guy’s wallet dry or marries him. I can’t provide for her for her whole life. All she heard is don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, and she’d let me know it. I should mention that except for this incident and the occasional translation problem we had fun 24 hours a day. She had taken a liking to me more than the usual hooker / john relationship and I’m sure its not about the money anymore. She enjoyed sex and it turned more and more into making love. I was starting to feel like I was manipulating her feelings and honestly I don’t want to hurt her. I care about her, I’m not in love, I don’t want to get married, but she’s a good person and a kind one for taking me in like she did. I’d like to stay just friends with her but that seems out of the question for Thai people.

She showed me the Thai side of life in Bangkok. I don’t think my trip would have been half as rewarding if I had never met her. I will always be grateful for that. We took a 8 day holiday to Samui, had lots of fun and many close calls on the rented motorbike (you bloody people drive on the wrong God damned side or the road) but that all adds to the fun. Lots of very romantic dinners by the ocean. It was a very good time. We visited cock/pussy Rock and saw all of her friends at the butterfly farm. We saw a katoey show there too. One of the katoeys kissed me on the lips because I gave her a 10 baht tip. She did one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life while we were on Samui. We were taking a shower one day and she had to pee, so she propped herself up on the flush toilet, squat style and did her business. I was rolling on the shower floor laughing. She never pee’d in front of me sober again. When we got back to Bangkok she needed me to pay for her stereo payment. I told her I was low on money and she would HAVE to pay me back. It turned out that I needed more money than I gave her so she actually loaned me some money. I went home after a month and a half with her. I was sad to leave but I think she was relieved. Imagine trying to entertain a guest every day for a month and a half. I called her a few days after I got home, I got mononucleosis (mono) somewhere along the line. I asked her if she was sick or is I got it from her. She said she wasn’t. That leaves only the katoey, damn. Just as I started feeling better I got a phone call from her. "Hi darling how your sickness, I’m in New York"

Hey, if you’re Jimmy in New York and have a girl from Thailand named Por staying with you could you please ask her to send Nathan his pictures, he would kinda like them back.

I guess if you’re a single male headed to Thailand alone it’s hard not to get drawn into the sex scene. So I guess I went there as a tourist and left as a sex tourist. But when I think of what I’m going to do when I eventually return its got nothing to do with sex. But I’ll probably wind up making NEP the first stop off the plane.

The moral of the story:

If you ever need a TV fixed, one out of three Thai girls is an expert.

Remember, you are the ambassadors of your own country, how you act in Thailand is how the people in Thailand will perceive your country. Maybe now I understand the hatred for the USA that the entire world seems to have.

Stickman says:

Nice report, unless you’re Jimmy.

nana plaza