Catching Myself Thinking Those Fateful Words
Catching myself thinking those fateful words, ‘But she is different’, I realise that I am in trouble. In this, the Land of Smiles where the little brown teeruks sprout up like daisies on a Summers’ day, I am beginning to realise that I have bitten off more than I can chew. I had it all worked out, didn’t I?
Backtrack a few years, I was on a trip to Pattaya, in a bar off Walking Street playing pool. The ales were going down rather well and I was having a wonderful time. When it comes to my turn to play pool I wander around the table like Fransisco Bustamente, all the shots are going in. I can’t do any wrong. With my que in hand, held vertically, I walk around the table. Out of nowhere, I feel a huge blow to my head. I am staggering around, and wondering what’s happening. I’m half concussed, nearly passing out. After a good moment I steady myself. Its quite interesting what you don’t notice when you’ve had a few. I look upwards and notice that the ceiling fans are unusually low in this bar. It turns out my que had rebounded off the fan and smacked me on the head. I’ve never been hit so hard in my life. Predictably, everyone who had been watching were pissing themselves laughing. I tell you, now I always treat those fans with respect.
Transport back to present day. I think that smack on the head really did some damage. Despite all my advice to others, I am getting involved with someone I shouldn’t. The old cliche?, ‘she is different’, is ringing in my head. Am I being played? Could she be so skilful to cunningly work her way through my shield and into my feelings? What am I doing?
To find an explanation we must go further a field. No one will probably deny that finding your woman in a falang bar is not the best idea man ever had. Maybe I should be hanging out on ICQ instead of my favourite whoring hole. Somehow I just cant force myself to do it, protesting to myself that the world must be in a very sorry state if we need anonymity to meet someone we like.
With a fine blend of truth and mistrust the suspicious mind works hard to understand this dynamic. It’s a futile effort. The only way to work it out is to stay with it. I know it’s a roller coaster ride that’s probably only going to return me back to where I started but in a much worse condition. I am powerless to do anything about it. I didn’t used to think like this, I used to be in control. With great effort I think about anthropology and classical antiquity. Surely, there must be some explanation why I am doing this? Nothing comes to mind.
I’m away from the teeruk and my phone is beeping continually with SMS messages. I cringe at the SMS messages I send in the enlightened knowledge that this is going nowhere. What is driving me? Dare I say it? It must be love. I didn’t come here for love, or did I?
Thailand is fast becoming my drug of choice; I feel withdrawal symptoms when I am not there, I am only really happy when I am there, it drains my money. When its done with me will I have anything left? Is there such a thing as an Isaan rehab clinic?
Was it the chicken or the egg? I don’t feel anything for Caucasian women for many reasons really, maybe its just too difficult in the west. So finding myself in LOS, it seems like paradise. WOW, I can have practically any girl I want. This would seem like the answer I have always been looking for with only a few minor issues. These issues I realise are the reason its so easy to get with a girl but not so easy to enjoy anything meaningful. Okay if you’re not bothered, but what happens when you meet someone you like.
So I am about to go out of LOS for a little while. I’ve not been seeing Nok for long and she says, ‘I don’t like to be alone’, ‘I hope no one will take me away from you’. I laugh; I can see what’s coming. Just as it was easy for me to get with her why shouldn’t it be easy for anyone else to get with her? My perception of our time together is that it’s special. Her perception is different. The reality is she would be like this with anyone. It’s at this moment I have my epiphany.
Take Nok’s hand. It’s time for you both to get on board the roller coaster.