Stickman Readers' Submissions July 10th, 2003

What Do Girls Want?

There have been some interesting articles recently on Stick's site about "what women want" and in particular what do Thai women want? There have been discussions about looks, money, personality, nationality and so on. There has been some voices of experience and some insightful comment and then comments that show some blokes have absolutely no idea about women at all! I thought I would throw my two cents worth into the debate.

Firstly a little about me and my background. I'm no specialist in the area, but I have had a fair bit of experience with woman over the years! Not that I'm a romeo or a stud or anything like that – heaven forbid! I've also had girlfriends (not tarts) of many different nationalities, including German, English, Irish, French, Italian, Eritrean, Chinese and Thai. I was also married to an English girl (I'm English too) for 13 years – but – that one ended in divorce, so it's safe to say perhaps I don't know everything there is to know just yet about women – but then who comes even close? 🙂

He Clinic Bangkok

I will say right at the start, that in what I have to say about women I am specifically excluding bar-girls from the discussion. I had a bit of experience with bar girls back in my early 20's (I'm 41 now). I lived in an oil town river port (Warri) in Nigeria on and off for about a year – Warri is also very close to Port Harcourt – a very large Naval and industrial port. There was a pretty exciting nightlife in Warri with a number of good bars and a lot of very beautiful young farm girls for rent. Still, the scene wasn't on the same scale as Bkk – but there are a lot of analogies between the two (which I won't go into now). I got to know a small number of the Warri bargirls quite well and in a rash moment even got engaged to one of them (which I later broke off when sober – that created a scene!) but I never really understood those girls – it's difficult to say what they were looking for because half the time they didn't really know themselves. In a way they were chasing a dream, they wanted out of their shit hole country, they wanted money, they wanted a golden future. I think half the time they were chasing an illusion. But, whatever their desires they would stop at nothing to get it and in my opinion that makes them dangerous to get involved with. Most of the blokes I know who got seriously involved e.g. married, ended up getting sucked dry (financially you dirty minded what-nots!). So the only thing I would say about bar girls in Bkk is "forget it" – don't even think about it. Having said that there is one category of Thai girl that I believe to be even more dangerous than the bar girl – but that will be the subject of a future article by me – if anyone gives a damn. Enough said for now.

Note there is a subtle trap in this whole discussion – that women can all be lumped into one big pot and labelled "women" – of course in reality there are as many different types of women as there are women, but there are a number of common traits that you will usually see. One observation in an earlier article was that there have been studies to show that woman want a different type of guy depending on the time of the month i.e. how fertile they are. My experience is that at certain times of a month the type of guy that some women want is a dead one! Yes, they can get that grim is they have bad PMT. Jokes aside I think the basic observation is a good one. But it's interesting because it can be scaled up from the monthly timeline to a lifetime. In other words to a large extent what women want depends on what stage she is in her life and age is usually a rough indicator of this.

Bearing this is mind and looking at the real-world you can see this is born out in practice. Take a young Thai girl in her late teens early twenties. The sort of guys she will come into contact with will be similar age, similar family, they will have common interests and there will be competition between girls and boys for the more desirable partners – at that age the pretty girls will usually end up with the good looking guys and so forth, because looks are high on the list of priorities for younger people. After school and possibly University a Thai girl will often have a serious boyfriend and be thinking of settling down and having a family. There are a number of contributing factors and reasons for this which I won't discuss here.

CBD bangkok

This stage is where it all to often goes horribly wrong for the poor Thai girl – she gets serious with a Thai guy. Unfortunately most Thai guys don't have a reputation for being good family men or even good boyfriends. Again I won't discuss the reasons for this in this article, but very often a good looking Thai guy's head can easily be turned when the next pretty girl comes along. He's probably also more interested in having a few beers with his buddies than staying at home and making sure his girlfriend is happy too. Anyway, around their mid twenties a lot of Thai girls in my experience seem to come a cropper with a Thai guy who they are serious with. Sometimes he dumps them or leaves them pregnant or just shacks up with someone else – well this is starting to sound very negative against Thai guys, but I would just say that talking to many people who live in Thailand, as well as a lot of Thai girls this does sadly seem to be a recurring theme.

At this stage in their lives a lot of Thai women are thinking towards a family and some security and stability in their lives. They know that many (and particularly good looking) Thai guys are not necessarily going to provide them with the security they crave – they see their friends often divorced due to husband's infidelity, or they look at the more experienced and better off Thai guy who, as soon as his wife goes off sex after having a couple of kids and her tits start to sag, has a couple of "minor wives" on the side. Some of these girls have even been (sometimes unwittingly) these minor wives themselves and after a while they realise there is no future in it! Having had their fingers burnt a couple of times a Thai girl might look around for other options. They hear about western men and often they hear good things – amazing but true! I have asked many people why Thai girls go for westerners and a very common answer is that, strange as it sounds, we are perceived as providing security – at least more security than the average Thai man! This is no different to say a western guy who's pissed off with western women deciding to try Asian women – who they hear make good wives – believe me it is becoming more and more common these days.

So taking our Thai girl around late twenties or early thirties – what is he looking for in a man? And where are good looks on that list of desirable features. Of course all things being equal, good looks will still be high on the list of any person – but things aren't all equal of course. Priorities change. In fact there are many, many things that a girl will be looking for over a handsome face – in fact a handsome face can actually be a turn-off for some girls as their experience of handsome faces is that handsome faces tend to wander to the next beautiful girl that glides past! Something that's also important to understand is that a women doesn't necessarily have a check list of items she crosses off, before she decides whether she likes you or not! It's how you come across and the total package that counts. It's her perception and first impressions that play a key role here.

So let us consider though for the purposes of this discussion what that checklist would look like if it existed? Here's a list that I've compiled based on conversations with many Thai girls (and many other people) – not in any particular priority order (the text in quotes is quoted from actual Thai girls):

wonderland clinic

* Can demonstrate some success in his life: such as a good job, money, a business, hardworking
* Good Education
* Can provide financial security for the woman and her (future or maybe existing) kids
* Is kind-hearted and generous and not selfish
* loves his woman "only one" i.e. is faithful
* Someone who is caring and gentle
* Is a family man i.e. doesn't get pissed up every night with his mates and then go out whoring
* Is "cool heart" i.e. he doesn't lose his temper, doesn't shout, doesn't get mad, doesn't cause a scene
* Is "strong heart" i.e. shows leadership, shows determination, "follows his heart"
* Is "brave heart" i.e. will be honest and truthful and not make false promises, will put his family needs first. Does what needs to be done.
* Can show maturity (not necessarily related to age), some older blokes can act like spoilt kids sometimes (OK so can Thai girls!)
* Someone who is not clingy and needy and lacks self-confidence – wimps are right out!
* Good sense of humour
* Takes care of his body but is not necessarily fanatical about it
* Someone who enjoys life
* Someone who demonstrates positive thinking
* Someone who is clean, healthy and well presented
* Someone who smiles and laughs and is fun to be with
* Someone who is quietly spoken and calm

In fact handsome looks rarely came up as an issue for the Thai girls I spoke to, in the age bracket over 26/27. Very often too, girls would express a preference for a guy who was older by say five to ten years. The reasoning being that an older guy would be able to demonstrate items on the list such as success, maturity, family nature etc.

There are also a lot of things that women like from a guy that didn't figure in the list above. I've made a secondary list below consisting of examples to illustrate the sorts of things, generally it is a case of the guy being able to show some forethought and basically not being so bloody selfish! :

Do you think about your g/f?

* If you go away on a business trip do you send your g/f text messages to say you are thinking about her and that you miss/love her?
* When you return do you surprise her with some flowers or another little gift?
* If she is visiting a favourite niece or nephew do you send a couple of little gifts along for them too?
* If she wakes at 3.00 am with a nightmare do you wake up and comfort her or roll over, grunt and go back to sleep? (OK – I admit it – I am guilty on this one!)
* Do you show your affection? Do you hug your girlfriend, tell her you love her "only one" from time to time – it isn't all about sex for girls you know.
* Do you surprise your g/f with a trip to her favourite restaurant occasionally
* Try to remember that being a good lover is not about the size of your penis
* In the morning when you wake do you hug her and say "love you" and chat with her or do you jump immediately on top of her and expect her to perform? (OK, yes, sometimes my g/f jumps on me first thing and expects me to perform – that's OK!)
* You didn't forget her birthday did you melon head!? 🙂

Do you ever put yourself out for your g/f?

* If she has cooked you a meal do you offer to do the washing up?
* If she needs to go somewhere do you offer to give her a lift – or do you say "get the fucking bus bitch!"?
* When you get home from work do you expect her to be all over you, or do you ever say sit down dear and let me massage your feet for you?
* If she spent the week washing and ironing your clothes do you think of buying her a new dress on Saturday?
* If she gives you blow-jobs all night and a body massage at 3.00 am do you think of letting her sleep-in the next day and then fixing her breakfast?

Lots of guys think the whole idea of having a Thai g/f is so she can be your personal slave – well buddy you are going to get a shock if you aren't careful! Look after your girl and she will look after you – no matter what your looks are like. It isn't about throwing money at the problem, after all how much does a text message cost? How much for a bunch of flowers or a bottle of her favourite perfume? We are not talking big bucks here. It's the thought that (should) counts. It's also not about being all "lovey-dovey" – here experience can help – you need to show a little judgement and not go over the top. Again it is a topic in itself, but watching how your g/f reacts to these little thoughts and gifts can tell you a lot about your g/f and whether she is actually someone you should be thinking about a future with.

Some things that (Thai) girls really don't like in men:

* Someone who moans and whines and bleats about things, but never gets off his arse to do anything about it will be a real turn off
* Someone who can't organise things
* Someone who is lazy
* Someone who shows indecision
* Someone who gets drunk and then abusive
* Someone who smokes
* Someone who does not show good table manners
* Someone who eats too quickly
* Someone who is not polite
* Someone who is scruffy and dirty
* Someone who has B.O.
* Someone who does not respect his g/f
* Someone who uses bad language
* Someone who is greedy or over eats
* Someone who is tight with money
* Someone who drops litter
* Someone who is miserable

Any of the items on the above list will often immediately "override" "Tom Cruise good looks"! Pretty obvious really.

Well at this point in the article I'm starting to sound like Rudyard Kipling or someone – "you'll be a man my son…blah, blah". (ed: isn't he the guy who makes exceedingly
good cakes?)

So, if you are a guy and you think you aren't good looking and you think you don't get girls because you aren't handsome – THINK AGAIN! Ask yourself why you think you aren't handsome and do something about it! Balding? try close cropping your hair (use someone who knows what they are doing). Scruffy? Go out with your g/f and get her to pick you out some decent clothes. Hygiene problem – bath and shower every morning and night – use a fucking mouthwash for christ sake! A bit fat? Cut down on the beer and do some swimming or other exercise. Smoker? Then give up and save yourself a few quid too! In short show a bit of initiative and common sense. Wear glasses? then make sure they suit you – get them fitted by an experienced expert, take your g/f along to the fitting too – listen to her feedback. Think your facial features aren't handsome? Take up an active outdoor sport – SCUBA, Polo, Golf, Tennis, Swimming, Mountain Biking – you'll find a healthy outdoor complexion will more than make up for perceived "ugly" features, such as a big nose or crooked teeth. Not happy with your voice – get a voice coach. Feel you lack confidence? then get advice and try to achieve something that makes you feel good e.g. run five miles, a marathon, visit twelve Wats in one day – whatever. In short take control of the situation and your life. Do something to make up for any self-perceived shortcomings in your looks, if only to increase your own self-confidence.

Sometimes it helps to think about it from a different perspective – would you want a serious relationship with someone just because they were good looking. OK for a one night stand it might not matter if that gorgeous girl is as boring as hell, as long as she gives good head – right? But would you date her again? Would you marry her?

Put yourself in the girl's shoes – what is she looking for, where is she at in her life, how might you fit into it, what could you offer her?

Having said all of the above it's important to remember to keep things in perspective and don't go over the top on the first date! At least initially girls like a guy who is perceived as a little bit of a challenge – try not to be too keen, but be honest and faithful. Try to be fun, try to smile and laugh. As the relationship develops then things might change and then the girl expects you to start showing her a little bit of thought as discussed above.

So in the end what are the conclusions? Well, remember men and women want different things – they are genetically different and want different things at different stages in their lives. Don't get hung up on your looks – there are many, many more important things to worry about. You don't have to be Tom Cruise to get a really nice girlfriend – especially in Thailand – the cards seem to be stacked in your favour. To paraphrase old Rudyard – "try to be a man my son" – it's far more important than trying to be a pretty boy. 🙂

I hope this article helps, if you are a guy who wants some (free) advice about getting the girl of your dreams, or how to make yourself more attractive to women, or if you have any feedback on this article then please feel free to email me at I don't have all the answers but I'll help if I can.

Stickman says:

Some amazingly good info here. Your lists are, in my experience, remarkably accurate.

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