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Dana’s Thailand Part 3

  • Written by Dana
  • July 28th, 2003
  • 11 min read




You Buy For Me?

The idiocy and the greed and the innocence of the Issan-Stunners is so great that sometimes it's comical. Sometimes it's endearing (shoot me). Example:

I had been squiring an Essan-Stunner around town. And everywhere we went she would say, "You buy for me?". She couldn't say much else but she could say, "YOU BUY FOR ME?" At least 10 times per day. I bought. I bought her jewellery and clothes and shoes and gifts for moma, etc. It was fun. She was a dud in bed, a personality disappointment, and had no concept of reciprocity or customer service. So why was it fun? Because of the way she looked. She was every boy and man sex fantasy dream I had had from age 14 to age 53. Just being seen with her, just having her by my side was exciting. I couldn't take my eyes off her. When my arm was around her I was transported to another world. A happy place. But 10 times a day she would say, "You buy for me?" She was like a metronome. She was like a brainless parrot. It was as if you get to spend a week with Sophia Loren or Pamela Anderson. Who cares if they're not great conversationalists. But 10 times a day she would say "You buy for me?". She would say it without thinking or purpose. It was like a hiccup. It would just jump from her throat. Absolutely no thought. No filter between the brain and the mouth.

One day we were on our way to a Temple. To access Sukhumvit Rd. from a certain direction from the Nana Hotel you have to first go down a parallel side street. On the left hand side it has some nice looking apartment-condo buildings. Large expensive housing units that would make nice homes. I was asking the taxi driver questions about the apartment-condos. My honey bunny turned to me and said, "You buy for me?"

You gotta love'em. Sometimes they're endearing (shoot me)!

On Transvestites

First of all; the reason so many male visitors to Thailand get 'fooled' by transvestites is because it is possible. It is possible to be fooled. The high-line, surgically altered, physically gifted transvestites you can see at the Nana or half-way down Walking Street in Pattaya are the most sexually provocative, fabulously feminine, gloriously beautiful women I have ever seen. Which brings to mind the notion that men can do everything better than women; they can even be women better than women!!

I don't know if this still goes on; but it used to be that every night around 12:30 one of these creatures would make the walk from the Nana Plaza–across Soy 4–and then up the parking lot of the Nana Hotel. She was of course heading for the Angels disco. And every night it was a real show to watch her make this walk. People would be waiting for her in the parking lot and in the lobby of the hotel. She would never be with anyone else. That would ruin the show–the effect–the drama. And what was the show? What were we all waiting to see? Simple! She was quite simply the sexiest woman any of us had ever seen in our lives. There were men from all countries and from all cultures waiting to see the Alpha woman. And this woman knew what she was. She knew she was at the top of the female sexuality evolutionary pile. And she walked like it. A lot of the physically gifted Isaan stunners you see in the straight bars lack the attitude of the sexually interested, confident woman. The are just vaginas with cash registers attached. The biggest sex organ is the brain. If you don't feel sexy and if you don't think sexy, then you aren't sexy. Transvestites are all about sex.

So the next time you are mouthing off to your loser friends about how you are all man and you love sex; but you wouldn't mix it up with a tranny. Listen to yourself. You're full of shit. That's what the light switch is for!

$10.00 Glasses

Some experiences in Thailand just stay with you. I know this one will for me. If you go in Big Mike's Shopping Plaza in Pattaya you can cruise the aisles, escape the chaos and the noise of Beach road, look at the girls, and suck up the air conditioning. But I'll bet you never thought about buying glasses. Well, inside the front entrance on the right is a modern glasses shop. One day I went in to see about buying reading glasses. What the heck, maybe I'd save some dough. Once inside I was stunned. The entire staff was young, sexy, Thai women in high heels, nylons, garter belts, lots of make-up, and short-short-short-short skirts. Their skirts were so short they were airplane skirts (you could see the cockpit). Well, after being expertly sold (hustled), I bought a pair of prescription lenses and frames for reading. Cost $10.00!

After exiting the store, I walked past the glass display window that faces the corridor. A shop girl was squatting in the glass window rearranging items on the bottom shelf. Her skirt was up around her hips. And there displayed for all to see was her shaved pussy.

Service

During my last 10 day trip to Thailand I only had two sit-down meals in restaurants. That is typical for me. Each time was because I had a girl with me. Without the 'date' scenario I would have had no sit-down meals in restaurants! That would have been typical for me.

This is defensive behaviour on my part. The chances of receiving courteous customer service and the order being correctly prepared and correctly served in a typical small Thai eating establishment is between slim and none. And slim just left town. If you request (demand) what you are paying for, the chances of the social situation escalating wildly and at great risk to you are greater than slim. Slim just came back to town. In short, unless it is a known situation (places I've successfully dined at before), I never eat in restaurants. Between eating off the street, Swensen's Ice Cream, hotel breakfast buffets (no ordering or food preparation required), and purchasing things at Foodland or the 7-11; all my needs are met.

When I relate this strategy to people they like to tell me what I am missing. I reply that I know perfectly well what I am missing. I am missing having my heart rate or my blood pressure shoot up. I'm am missing blindness from burst capillaries in my eyes as I try to get them to bring silverware. I'm missing a brain aneurysm or a stroke or a heart attack because when I asked for ketchup the entire staff disappeared. I'm missing dealing with Thai racists who just want the money without providing goods or services. That's called theft. I'm missing social intercourse with low spark human beings who can't even pretend to care.

When I first started coming to Thailand I solved these problems by just giving up, and eating whatever they brought and paying whatever they charged. Those days are over. I'm on vacation. It's supposed to be fun. I come to Thailand with a need to eat and pockets full of money. None of the restaurants get my money. The man or woman sidewalk vendor gets my money (and tip). The food is fresh, the price is right, the service is fast, there is no bill padding or waitress attitude, and I can get a smile sometimes. Often Thais standing there waiting for their order will help me. No Thai in a restaurant has ever helped me. Hotel buffets get my money. There is no middleman (waitress) so this works fine. The Swensen's on Beach Road in Pattaya gets my money. They have the best customer service I have ever seen anywhere in Thailand. It would be called normal in the rest of the world. In fact, the experience is so positive, the establishment is so clean, and the service is so good; it's disorienting. You wonder if you are in Thailand.

When I started having relationships with Bargirls I thought this eating out situation might be solved. She would order. She would negotiate. Wrong. It turns out that BGs aren't anymore likely to receive the order prepared and served correctly. I also found out to my surprise that BGs aren't any better than me at negotiating with ticket agents or travel people or front desk clerks or retail sales people or catching and directing taxis and tuk-tuks. I once took an Isaan stunner to Chiang Mai. She said she had a hard time understanding the people because they spoke Lannan. We were only an hour north of Bangkok by airplane. Jesus! So my 'guide' was useless. So as usual I had to do everything, including ordering food and trying to rustle up cutlery, napkins, condiments, salt and pepper, water, menus, etc. You'd think I was Eisenhower trying to organise D Day in these joints. All I want to do is eat. I was once in a brand new salad bar franchise on Beach Road in Pattaya. The place was clean, the food was fresh, and the price was right. After I paid at the register I asked them where they kept the plastic silverware. Academy Award winners couldn't have produced looks of greater incomprehension and astonishment. Apparently, I was the first person in the HISTORY OF THE ESTABLISHMENT who had ever asked for silverware. You would have thought my space ship had just landed on the seaside boardwalk and I had walked in from Mars or Neptune or maybe Uranus. So I took my salad across the road and sat on the wall and ate it with sticks.

So anyway, there it is guys. That's what I do for eating in Thailand. If you peek in at me some night in my hotel room and see me sitting on the bed dipping fried worms in a yoghurt cup, you know why. It works for me.

Beggars

The beggars of Sukhumvit Rd between Soy 4 and Soy 11 are a real conundrum to me. Intellectually, I know that giving to them:

1. Doesn't benefit them much; all or almost all of the money is stolen by their keepers.
2. Endorses a system of graft and of greed and of meanness that is truly disgusting.

But I can't help myself. The rolled in dirt amputees, mothers with children, spinal cord deformed, and others just can't be ignored. At least not by me. If it is the end of the day and I am headed home towards the Nana, I empty out my pockets of any spare change. I always try to make eye contact, say something, and often touch them. It's probably a wasted human effort. They probably hate Farangs too. But I do it. In the beginning, I used to be kind of on the fence about this. Until I saw the leper. He is usually around the Landmark Hotel. He has lost one eye and various parts of his digits, hands, feet, and face to the disease. He is filthy. His flesh is rotting and flies are eating his flesh while he sits there. He is always smiling. I give. His condition, his species connection to me, and his smile force me to reappraise my own life and attitudes daily. He earns the money. I give to him

A Finishing School

If you are like most men from highly westernized countries, Thailand can act as a finishing school in manhood for you. It can complete you as a man. I don't mean as a sexual athlete, but in your head. Your attitude towards women. What do I mean? Let me explain.

If you are in my age group (53) and you grew up in say the United States, your notion of what constitutes a sexy, desirable woman was formed by the Playboy magazine image of women. For a woman to be attention getting she had to be a voluptuous, hour glass shaped siren. The notion was endorsed by all advertising media. So by the time most of us Western men were in our 20's and our 30's, the idea that more curves means sexier had successfully been pounded into our heads.

Then you get on a plane and you come to Bangkok. Holy Jesus. The first night you go to a bar and there are women on stage who a hundred times sexier than any woman that you have ever seen before and they have No Breasts! And some of them have No Asses. And some of them have NO Breasts and No Asses! And you can't take your eyes off them. You are transfixed, stunned, hypnotized, stricken. Hence the 'from another planet' analogy that all men use.

Congratulations, you have just started the finishing school for men–called Thailand! The next time some pasty-faced, lard bucket, Reubens figured Caucasian woman walks by you won't even look. You'll be looking at the woman behind her. The woman with erect posture, feline grace, perfectly fitting clothes, flat stomach, long fingers, soft brown eyes, happy smile, and painted toenails. All 40 kilograms of her. And you'll hear yourself say something you never said in the United States–"No breasts–no ass: unbelievably sexy!". Congratulations. You've completed finishing school. You are a man.

Stickman says:

Lots of interesting thoughts.