Time: 3 Seconds
Because I go to Thailand on vacation, and because the men in my life do not go to Thailand on vacation; I get questions. They are all the usual questions about the nightlife scene. One question I got the other day was, "How fast can you meet a girl?". Here's how fast:
My flight got in to Bangkok at midnight. I had been travelling 24 hours! I can't sleep on planes, I have potential thrombosis issues in my legs I have to monitor and the experience always elevates my heart rate and my blood pressure, and the airline food and drink constipates me. After landing there are entry procedures, waiting for bags, currency exchange, waiting for a cab, and then the spooky night time sci-fi cab ride into the city. By the time the cab pulls up to the door of the Nana Hotel I feel as if I've been beaten with sticks, dropped off a cliff, and dragged behind a car. I am SICK! Under no circumstances am I mentally or physically equipped to even think about a woman. It is 1:30 in the morning.
The problem with this scenario, however; is that at 1:30 in the morning the Angels Disco which is in the hotel is in full swing. The Nana Plaza bars across from the hotel are getting ready to shut down (2:00 AM) and the girls are coming over to the Nana Hotel for disco and other action. In a word; the hotel lobby, disco, bar, parking lot, halls, and elevators are choked with the most beautiful whores in the world. You're tripping over them. They're everywhere!
I check into the hotel, the bellman picks up my luggage and my keys, and heads for the elevator. It's a distance of 30 feet. Thirty feet and I'll be safe; up into my room alone and sinking into a travel coma. I DON'T MAKE IT! Between the lobby front desk and the elevator, I make eye contact with one of the most beautiful, sexy, fashionably dressed, fun, provocative, 40 kilogram Isaan stunners I have ever seen. What I should have done is bury my head in my chest, break off eye contact, and follow the bellman into the elevator. But 10,000 years of evolutionary libido programming is too great for my conscious will. Instead, I smile at her and open my arms. She smiles back, tucks into me, and we step into the elevator together. The bellman doesn't even look surprised.
That's how fast you can meet a woman in Thailand. Between the front desk check-in counter and the elevator. Time: 3 seconds!
We didn't go 'boom-boom' that night. I was too tired. We didn't do 'yum-yum' either. I was too tired. And there is no way I could have done 'ow-ow'. But she helped me unpack my bags and she went out to Soi 4 and picked up some food. We had a picnic on the bed. Then we took a bubble bath together and she gave me a massage. We fell asleep in each others arms.
I'd made it. I was in Thailand. I was safe in my room. And I wasn't sleeping alone. Time: 3 seconds!
3 seconds to meet her…and after she came out of the shower, 3 seconds before…oops, oh dear, darling, please forgive me, I've been in Farangland and this is the first pussy I have seen in months….