Thai Me Up, Thai Me Down

I somehow picked up an internet site offering the dating with Thai darlings. Although I am very skeptical in this regard I found myself to get my credit card ready, transferred $US 10 and received the address of my sweetheart shortly after. We started to exchange e-mails on a daily basis, not to the amusement of my Isaan friends (although all of them are married, so what is their problem anyway?) Isaan girls told me that the girl is not the right one and she looks beautiful in the pictures only, thanks to the Thai make up artists and professional photographers. I certainly ignored their concerns. The Internet is a very strange thing. I never realized how addictive that bloody email can be and how a strong bond can develop between people who never have seen each other. I also phoned the girl in Bangkok to find out how it is with her English. Not being a native English speaker myself, I can imagine the pain Thai people have to go through, being used to their impossible script.

I also know too well, how important the communication is. We are talking there about people from completely different cultures and the English language is actually only the thing, we have in common, although it is not our mother language at all.

I left for Thailand at last, in December. Although my friends and colleagues generally expected that I would go for 20 days long sex marathon, it was not a case. I started my trip in Chiang Mai, where I attended a course in Thai cooking. I have to admit that I am not sure what I prefer more, Thai food or Thai beauties.

The first day started really impressively. The receptionist called me and I met a really cute Thai girl in the hotel lobby. She introduced herself and hinted that she will take me to The Chiang Mai Cookery School and will teach me how to cook Thai food. I answered immediately, that she can teach me anything. She however made it very clear, that she really means cooking only. The course is very professional, well organized and lectured (yes, we are in Thailand) by very pleasant young girls. Their English is excellent. The students were folks from all walks of life and all sorts of countries. Also a professional chef from Sydney who shared my opinion about the course. And she certainly knew two or three things about Thai cooking. Although I really enjoyed Chiang Mai, the city is quite run down and would need proper clean up, instead of massive proposed airport upgrade. Although Bangkok traffic has its reputation worldwide, as far as I am concerned, Chiang Mai is much worse.

You can certainly cross the street in Bangkok, one way or the other. This is a highly dangerous adventure in Chiang Mai. Thais just go! Be it the cars, tuk-tuks, or their deadly weapon – motorbikes, frequently driven on the walk ways, although this is also the case in Bangkok (as mentioned in your guide) and nobody certainly cares. Thai boys were always laughing when I told them to go to hell. I wonder if the police would be on farang’s side? Most likely not.

When I arrived to Bangkok, I contacted my internet girl friend immediately. She told me, that she can not meet me. The Bangkok branch of her company is closing down, she moved out from her apartment and stays with her family, it is very far, she is very tired and so on. It made very upset of course! South Africa is not exactly just round the corner.
I did a very idiotic thing then and I do not know why. Probably to get my revenge, boost my stupid ego. I boarded the Skytrain and stopped at Nana Station. You certainly know where I was going to.

The Nana Plaza is, what is says. Entertainment Center. Well based on sex, but I do not find it really erotic. Once I have seen one Go Go bar, I have seen them all. I also enjoyed the show you like, dancing girls with their lovely bodies painted by fluorescent paint. One show was really amazing. I went there really early, not to miss something. Dozens of Go Go girls were sitting on the chairs in front of their bars and a real army of hairdressers was busy to style their mostly beautiful hair. I was watching with my mouth open. You have to see it, to understand what I mean! Otherwise, nothing can beat the girls going to their offices in the morning! Also Central in Chiang Mai, department of cosmetics has some real stunners! Unfortunately, they know.

Anyway, my desire was to get my revenge for non cancelled date. It really does not need a rocket scientist to get some decent looking company for the night at Nana as long as you are prepared to dig into your pocket. I picked up a sexy girl (although I really did not want to and did not like her), took her to my hotel she serviced me as I expected and left in the morning. I did have a very good feeling, like the guy, who can not be outsmarted by some Thai girl, who simply feels tired. I was in for a surprise of my lifetime! I foolishly did not comb my hotel room. This mistake I will remember forever. The Nana Plaza girl left elastic band, she used for styling and holding of her beautiful hair, right on the bedside pedestal.

When I met my internet girlfriend in the hotel lobby, I made a long face and remembered my Isaan friends down in Johannesburg. The girl was not nearly close to the girl on the pictures, she looked tired and getting old (well, she was 38). I could not hide my disappointment. She noticed immediately.

I took her to my room. She announced, that she has her period, so no hanky panky business here! Well, I did not have any intention anyway and started to be quite cynical. The girl did not take any shit from me, and told me immediately, that she knows I like nice girls and she is not nice. She picked up bloody elastic band from the pedestal and asked me, who was here last night. I felt really embarrassed like a school boy. It was probably too late. You never get the second chance to make the first impression! I pretended, I do not know, which was pointless anyway. On the other side, I was quite happy. I had spent the last night with a sexy girl. My internet girlfriend was no match there! She made
quite a scene and left. I will not see her ever again I thought. Surprisingly, she called me and told me, she will pick me up for a New Year party in her family's house. Well I will have the opportunity, to see, how they live I thought, although I felt Nana Plaza would offer better excitement that particular night!

Anyway I met her parents, brothers and sisters and watched their obsession with karaoke, which I did not understand. Although there were adults, they were mad after some stupid song from a children’s cartoon, sounding like : Jatintaaaa, jatintaaa, jatintaaaa! All over! Asians seem to be like big kids sometimes (if there is no money involved, of course).

The girl took me back to my hotel after the midnight and stayed with me. I started to get used to her, although I did not feel quite comfortable, when I saw pretty office girls passing by now and then. The girl showed me Bangkok and to my great pleasure, took me to some street vendors, where she ordered fantastic dishes I would never dream about, as their English was non existent.

She also took me to some places, which seem to me to be the places you also like (beer garden at World Trade Center). The girl asked me time from time, if I am going to marry her. I told her all sorts of excuses of course! I do not know if she was really serious but they really think somebody is prepared to make this sort of commitment after some e-mails and 3 days together! Unfortunately, there are some desperate or foolish guys, who certainly are!

When her period was over, she asked me (!) for sex! You understand I did not have so much intention to put any pressure on her. Well I had to oblige! I have done much worse things in my life I suppose. I realized, that poor girl does not have any breasts. I do not mean small breasts, I really mean no breasts at all! As we say in my country, she was like an ironing board. She had to use foam pads inserted in her bra. I really felt sorry for her. I mean, you can play great theatre play even with small actor, but the girls, it is a different story!

Nevertheless, the sex was great, as it is almost the rule with Thai girls. When the time has come and I had to go, she kissed me good bye and I noticed, as Phil Collins puts it in his latest hit her ’’leaving smile’’. I did have the feeling I will never see her again.

The magic of Thailand really hit me hard after my return back to Johannesburg. I realized, that I am missing my unattractive girl. More and more. I sent her an e- mail. I received no reply. I discussed the matter with my close mate. He told me: F… it! Invite her here! Pay her the ticket, she will get 3 months visa automatically (something Thai girls are not aware, yes, that what they get in Johannesburg and I do not think anywhere else) and if it will not work, she will go back! She lost her job anyway!’

I sat behind my computer and sent another e-mail. A cold shower arrived the next day. The girl wrote me, that she is with her husband in Belgium and she wanted to tell me before and she loves him and he loves her and so on. She hopes I will find some beautiful (that’s her spelling) girl, like she is. Although I would like to ask her some questions, for example how she managed to get her ‘’husband ’’two weeks after she had sex with me 2x a day like there is no tomorrow and so on. She certainly was not married, her family would never allowed her to be with me and to sleep in my hotel.

I analyzed the situation with my friends and we figured out, that I was certainly short listed, but because of my ignorance, a Nana Plaza girl and general bad manners, I was classified as ”a butterfly’’ She did not tell me in Bangkok. As we both know, she would lose face badly.

I sent her an e-mail wishing her good luck and I did not try to find out, what the story really is about. As you understand, I am not eating Belgium chocolate anymore.

When I told the story to my Isaan friends here, they were very pleased. Some mentioned, that I am heartbroken, the others: ’’We told you so!’’ I have to think about this over and over. When I go home from work, I have the feeling, that the girl is sitting in my car and talking to me ”Really scary! I have the feeling my very good friend passed away and I will never see her again.

On the one side I do not want to go to Thailand anymore. On the other side, I have to go, as soon as I can. Although the girl was really nothing to write home about, if I visit Bangkok, I will certainly visit my favorite places she showed me and I will feel very sad. Difficult to say, if I would marry her. I am certainly not heart broken, I just have a very strange, bitter and sad feeling that I can not explain. However, I learned my lesson.

I understand, the girl will be 39 next month and she was certainly desperate to have her family and certainly had her plan B’ (all of them usually have plan B). Only us, stupid guys have surprise of our lifetime.

If somebody thinks, he can outsmart a Thai girl I think I have the news for him. It is very obvious from your site that they are usually scoring really big time. Well we have to be careful, what we are asking for. Sometimes we might get it. Well, that’s it. I am just thinking, what will be my next move. In any case, I do not give it up. I can not stand white women anyway and once you see them in Thailand, you can see clearly why. They simply do not fit in at all, although Thai girls are no angels, we still like to see them.

Petr, Johannesburg, South Africa

Stickman says:

It really sounds like Thailand had a profound effect on you and that you too are addicted to the madness of Thailand.