Stickman Readers' Submissions January 23rd, 2003

You’re Only As Beautiful As The Wallet She Feels

It never ceases to amaze me how low these BG's will go when it comes to the looks of the farang that they will go with. Now I'm no stunner, but when I was younger I never had any trouble getting something regular. I was never the one that some chick was going to immediately go for, but give them a few Strongbow White's and couple of lines, "You smell really nice tonight", being one of my faves, and you were generally in for a bit of bungy jumping that night. Now that I'm coming up to 34 I've put on 10 kg thanks to Carlton United Breweries, and a day job that keeps me sitting on my arse all day, but I've still got all my hair, so I don't think I'm in the "deadset pig" state yet. That all said, I must admit that it has been quite sometime since I've actually tried to pick up some "Whiskey Tango" (White Trash), so maybe my days are over there. Nowadays I can't stand the fat, whingey bitches, and I can't remember the last time I bedded one. I go to LOS twice a year for at least 6 weeks so I get my fix there and I am very happy with the company of a brown eyed girl.

Getting back to my point though, over all the years I have been staying in the Kingdom, I have seen all matter of characters roaming the bars. I've seen them all, mind you as soon as you say that, someone else comes along that really blows your mind. I still shake my head at the things I see, but the shock of it all has truly worn off and I no longer am surprised by anything (TIT). Am I going native? Probably.

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Everyone does this and it is my favourite pastime. People watching. I usually hang out in Patong Beach and come the afternoon I'll park my suay see dang Honda on Bangla Road, buy a seriously overpriced magazine (there goes another "fun ticket") and head on up to the Aussie Bar to have a VB and watch the world go by. From there you can see all and nobody normally looks up, so they won't be looking at you back. Come night time it's a great spot to watch the chicks make their way to work. I remember a few years ago the BG's wouldn't have to start until 9 PM, but lately it seems that they all start to migrate from about 7 PM onwards. I guess the mamasan's are trying to get some early customers in and of course the 2 AM closing has reduced everyone's operating hours. When is that all going to stop. Nothing shits me more than just getting the taste of it and the boys in brown coming along and forcing everyone to shut. Mind you I can see it relaxing already and as with anything in LOS, if you have the money anything is possible. Watching everyone going for their walks up and down Bangla Road with their teeruks in hand certainly is a sight. Then you have your Japanese coming along with that, "where the fuck are we" look on their face. I love the Japanese as they seem to have this naiveity attached to them, but you'll always see the couples go into the go-go's for a bit of fun. Some of the dudes walking around, truly are shockers though. Some of these guys have been coming to LOS for their 2 weeks in the sun for years, but they still walk around in their sloppy shorts, no t-shirt (naah bro, nobody cares about your fat gut), sweat pissing off of them and nice comb-over to finish it off. What a sight. Of course, who is there sharing this wonderful experience with them, Khun Lek of course, who he's picked up last night and she couldn't care less, just as long as he's picking up the tab and making his donation to her Thai boyfriend's whiskey fund.

Now I've been a bit harsh on the old fella. Who can deny a man the company of such a princess to give him his two weeks of fantasy before he has to go back to the coldness of his country and his fat wife. Good on him and I hope the pleasures of the East are still available when I'm in the same boat. But it just goes to show you that if you have the cash, it doesn't really matter what you look like, these BG's will go with you. I've seen dudes in wheelchairs, arms missing, teeth missing, busted up heads and dudes that give Pavarotti a run on the scales. They all managed to find someone. I even saw one dude that was a midget. Not only was he small, but he was kinda deformed with these little arms, Buddha bless the man (please insert your own imaginary friend here, at least Buddha was a living person). He had the knowse to board the big bird to paradise and pick himself up some Asian charm, and the one he did was an absolute stunner, no more than 21. Try doing that at home.

What made me think of this subject was thinking back to a few things that have happened to me. While I'm in LOS I like to run around a bit, but once I find a nice BG I like to hang on to her for the duration of my stay as it makes it feel a bit more of some nice company instead of some hooker that I just shagged the night before. While I wouldn't really recommend this as it can get a bit too close after a while, but I've always managed to cope with it so far without any major incident. These girls know that I won't be taking them back to Farangland and that our time together is limited to my stay in LOS. I even had one who was a champion, and she liked to refer to me jokingly that I was her boss. When we would see her real boss from the bar and he would ask where she had been, she would just reply, "I have to follow my money". Keeps it all in perspective. But what I was remembering is when I've been with a girl for a few days and decided to change. While I was with her you get to know each other more and you start thinking, "man, she must be starting to like me". You know, she's laughing at all your stupid jokes and always putting her hand on you lap, but then you see some other supermodel and decide to change. As long as you've paid up, then this is not normally a problem, but then that night you walk past her bar and she's in the arms of some dude twice your age, no hair and… he missing an eye? Ohhhh, crushed. There goes the ego. Just when you thought you were on top of the world, you realise. She would have gone with anyone. Mind you this only lasts a minute or two, but I always found it a downer. I think it's the shock of coming back to reality and we all know how much that hurts. I still shake every time I am sitting on the wrong side of customs at Bangkok International waiting for my flight back to farangland. I even remember one BG I had for three days. The day after I finished with her I passed her in the street, hand in hand with some 45 year old Lesbian. That was a shocker for the system. Later though I kept thinking, why didn't I know she was that cool before. I could have barfined her and one of her cute friends. Mai pen rai.

I guess this will happen time and time again, but for now I'll just hang on to the illusion. Oh, and by the way, take all of this with a large grain of salt and amusement. I'm just having a joke.

Chok Dee Na Krup

Jing Jo

Stickman says:

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You got it spot on when you say it is all an illusion. A better definition I have yet to hear.

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