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One Year Of Love And Pain

  • Written by Bulli
  • December 19th, 2002
  • 26 min read





It’s all over now. Just a telephone call at work and when I came home I was alone. It was a foreseen event we avoided to talk about. Intenseness released, the price is sad – and loneliness.

"I love you“, her last words I heard, "but I don’t want you to accompany me to hell. Take back your happy life. You are lost if you go with me.“

The last months had been poor. At first it looked as if it could run, but then she lost her job again. Yes we are broken, deadly broken. Our life had just been work and thrift, the free time filled with tons of Thai videos or in my case the old PC and … sex – just to pass the time. My savings out, our bank accounts deep red, my car rattles in need of a repair. I tried to control it with my mind, marked a clear border – but we broke through all limits.

“Just another idiot who got ripped off by a Thai”, I hear the cynics. But I think they have no clue or lack a heart. It was never in my mind to start a relation with a Thai, let alone to move one over to Germany for marriage. I knew all the stories to well. But who with a bit of a lonesome and romantic heart, who with the experience of temporary intimacy with an unspoiled Thai girl, who with this deep hole inside that becomes bigger after every trip wouldn’t give it a try? If he had the chance to test a relationship at home without any commitment, to let it go if it wouldn’t work. And could even help two wonderful persons by this.

When I learned to know my Thai girl she was already living in Germany since 10 years and already had two unlucky marriages behind. In contrary to other Thais I saw in my country, she looked educated and well-mannered. With 31 Years, she was 6 years younger than me – a decently choice of heart and saneness in my idea. Well, in mind to learn her to know – not to marry her. But the things developed faster than I intended.

Three years ago she picked up her meanwhile 13 years old daughter to live with her. A very beautiful girl, the absolutely most beautiful Thai girl I ever saw in my life. Oh dear, I was afraid to be in need of a gun license to take care of the twin. Obviously the mother worked hard to get the circumstances of life under control and had less time to watch the daughter, who in fact was a little devil. She already had made friendship with other auslander kids and tested law and police. Nevertheless she had a heart of gold, obviously missed warmth and care. Very soon she took me in her heart, hugged me and said: “I hope you and mom come together. I already like you so much and there is nothing I wish more. I never had a stepfather like you.” I looked in desperate eyes, that admonished me painful, that Thai girls are not toys for cocks adventures.

Okay, in the next step I decided to help them to find a new apartment and accepted to cure financial hurdles if necessary. In the meantime my Thai admitted to live with a man with that she already finished and living was a nightmare with. He already threw the girls out two times, but she had no other home. I really made a fuss to find a perfect home and after 4 weeks I proudly presented a modern, bright, inexpensive social apartment that fulfilled every dream including Thai Sat-TV, ready to move in 3 weeks later.

But I cleared the bill without the host. Her former friend got in face of our plan and beat her up like a crazy dog – abruptly attacked her lying in bed. The daughter desperately jumped on him to stop him, but he nudged her to floor and even threatened her.

I took them out of his poor, filthy roof chamber immediately. My Thai girl looked badly and sick but our worst thoughts where with the daughter. She was run away. Full of sorrows we waited till late in the next night for a sign of her.

After this incident the daughter feared me. “He beats you to death with one hit”, she complained fearful to her mother, “haven’t you seen? He is double of his size! Please, make no shit with men anymore!”

I was shocked. The incident obviously was pathologic to the daughter. No question, if someone was on my list to beat to death it was the bastard. I would have broken him in two, but my Thai girl inquired me to spare him. She even declared understanding for him and that she has to be thankful in spite of the trouble. It was hard to accept, but I had to care to make no violent impression. I had to annul their fear – to get their unreserved trust. By and by I became aware that she even missed him when she was with me. Yes, they loved each other desperately. The relationship simply failed financially. He was the first German, she really loved. And he was the first man who desirously slept with her. No Joke, she was married two times before, but none of her husbands slept with her. She desperately missed tenderness, affection and desire. A deficit her former boyfriend filled firmly. And he was neurotic jealous, a characteristic she badly missed in me. A big love that let her fade out his outbursts. She admitted it wasn’t the first time he beat her. But never that hard, never in front of her daughter. By and by she set the truth free in rolling tears. I just could hold her and listen.

I wasn’t very happy in that task. I felt responsible to care for them till the new apartment was ready to move in. I took my Thai in my apartment and brought the daughter to her best friend, a Thai girl in her age with a mother promising good care. I didn’t expect anything, just wanted to make everything good for them. I knew I was the only one who could help them now, I had to do it.

My idea of my Thais first husband is a strange geek. He was in the end 30s, when he married the young Thai girl. As a technical drawer he had a fairly salary. Additional he was a skilled painter and made good money as an artist. Every week he put 150 Euro on the table, for food and the rest for her. Not too bad, that was okay, my girl said. She didn’t love him, but was happy to have him. They flew first class to Thailand every year and lived in good hotels. The husband wasn’t interested in the family nor her daughter. He used to live in Pattaya meanwhile. The wife accepted his asthma, which limited his work power. She accepted his liking of beer and daily attendance in his favourite pub in Germany. She accepted, that she had to manage everything herself. She accepted his sexual predisposition. He masturbated while looking at his wife. He persuaded her to wear a net-pantyhose under a miniskirt and to stand still in front of his feet. He didn’t touch her, just staring and masturbating. He was unable to perform normal sexual intercourse. She accepted that all. What she didn’t accept was, that he denied to enable the daughter to move in. She left him after 4 years when she got the permanent resident permit. But she did a fatal mistake. In a last request to help him, her husband persuaded her to vouch for a credit. Then he became incapacitated and raised two fingers. The girl got the duty to pay back about 15.000 Euro. A burden she still is in front of and also a tonnage the daughter had to endure.

She went to the immigrant office to get her daughter in. But the state employee denied, she had to be married for this request. An infamous lie. She did not have to be married but she didn’t know better. She married a sloppy student in his mid 30s, who lived with his parents in their house. At least he accepted to pick up the daughter and soon the two Thais moved in the house. A martyrdom overcame the girls. The Thai mother was charged for payments, she contributed a complete new kitchen. As far as I could see in a document later, she took a loan from her employer. His parents where cold-hearted Nazis who ordered the schedule every day, what to be done, how to be done and gratified in resentments. They controlled every privacy and read their mail first. As if this wasn’t enough to break the girls will, the student imposed his wife in every night to open her mouth. His only ability to satisfy harboured imaginations of violent desire. The Thai mother had to endure every day, suffer every night, as long the immigrant office denied the resident permit of the daughter. The state employees didn’t know mercy and extended the visa again and again for only three month, without hope for permanent permit, always deportation in viewpoint. The mother cried and begged in the office but they literally pulled her out on the feet.

“If you want to beat anyone”, my Thai girl cried desperately, “beat him! With him you can do what you want. Beat him to death!” She got a breakdown and I caught her fall.

When they escaped this hell, a lawyer intervened and got the worst cleared up, the Thai girls found a place of peace and recovery. They moved in a small apartment in a house of an upper aged couple without own children. They affectionately cared of the two girls, as if they were their own children. Light and hope came back in their hearts but they lived in bad poverty. The credit had to change the bank and an insurance enforced. God, does everybody charge the poor? Additional the Thai mother had to pay back tax to the state after the divorce, a trick of the student to his advantage.

In this time of freedom and growing will the Thai learned to know and love her last boyfriend. He promised her to care about them and to let her live without any charge of money, so that she could save for a better living and outlook. Well, we already know how this ended up.

After some days in my apartment, I got terrified to know, that her daughter was a live-in of people she didn’t know at all. She even didn’t know the telephone number to contact her. I complained: “You are her mother!”

“Please”, she lost tears, “take the care of my child now. I have no power anymore.” Yes, she really was exhausted.

I went to my car and drove to the daughter immediately. She was okay and smiling when I visited her. But she and her girl friend were tied in each others arms as if they protected each others life. Usually the kids where alone. By and by the children became used to my visits and soon I got their trust and they welcomed me with a big hug too. The girl friend was a much more scared nature than my new god child, just one year in Germany. Her stepfather was a foot lamed alcoholic and already gone. Her mother was a former bar girl of Koh Samui. She worked in the evening as a needle worker, but dubiously came always home very late in the night. Sometimes she took several men home. Men who were loud, drinking and polluted the air with cigarettes. The girl was afraid then and didn’t dare to come home. She waited on the street and watched the windows till the men were gone, sometimes very late. She quickly followed the example of my god daughter and wrapped her arms around me, took her dose of affection too.

One evening my little girl said good bye with a present.

“I have a present for you and mom.” She said and held two plastic roses in her hand, a white one and a dark red one. She gave me the white one and said: “This rose is for you. It means that you are a very, very nice guy – and that I like you very, very much.”

Then she gave me the red rose. I smiled and asked: “And what means the red one?”

She boggled and looked to the floor. “ … Darkness.” She whispered sadly. I could hardly stop tears when she hugged me.

I wasn’t really angry about my Thai. I knew what she had endured and done for her daughter. The rift between them was really a matter of fate. I had in mind to do my best to get everything right for them, I didn’t matter. I knew it will come a day when everything is over. I hoped the day comes not to soon.

At home I decided to check my girls financial state clearly. “Okay, you have an income of 850 Euro. 250 for the credit, 25 the insurance, 50 for tax return. Well, the apartment costs a rent of 350. You have 225 left. Not much for a living.”

“I must! I have no choice.” She responded.

“Okay, what about savings? You talked about it.”

“Um, well … I think 2500 should be possible. … not now – in some weeks.”

“What does that mean? Do you have savings or not?”

“Well, I’m still saving it. I have a contract with friends.”

“Contract? What a contract?!” I became louder and she coiled in pain. Step by step I had to pull it out of her nose. Crying she admitted an obligation of payments to an Asia shop. A saving plan with a run time of 15 month, just 3 month running. 300 Euro to pay every month. With horrible tax if you want your money before the end.

“That was it for your apartment”, I shouted, “you cannot afford it! It’s over!” I really came in ravage. “What do you think that you can make such depth in Germany? It really breaks your neck here! I can’t believe to be so silly!”

“I go!” she cried. “I must make it! I must work more, enough for me to sleep on the floor. … I must … I must!” I hate it when Thai girls say: I must! I know what they are disposed to if they mean: I must! “If there is no other way I work in a bar.” Tears rolled down her cheeks. “I now a man who gives me room.”

I became aware that there were men enough who would like to lift a stumbled Thai girl. Men who just had to wait that the lamb comes rueful to the slaughter.

“Have you ever done this before?” I asked her calming down. I knew I had to control myself to not endanger her trust.

“No, … never. I … can’t.” she whispered week.

“You can’t because you have a daughter. Do you want to loose her to German authorities?”

“Oh God. What can I do, what can I do?”

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Pick up your daughter and live with me. At least till we cure the problems. You get your apartment. But later, be patient.”

“Oh dear. I can’t do that to my daughter. Again another man.”

“Don’t be afraid.” I smiled. “I think I have her belief.”

You bet the daughter came. She ran and jumped directly in my arms. I turned around in cycles hugging her. But who was that watching us? The daughter brought her girl friend with her – ready to move in too! A view, a smile, and she jumped on me also. I couldn’t believe it, suddenly I had a family with three awesome girls. Still the kids clung at each other most of the time. But when I came home from work they started a race to get the first place in my arms. Oh dear, I didn’t know how much happiness children can give. I was the luckiest man of the world, and the world could see that all over my face. My Thai couldn’t believe what she saw. She never saw her daughter so happy before. We opened our hearts and began to love each other with honest affection. She was a good mother, always caring, cooking, happy and released.

Don’t need to say, that a gorgeous quality of sex stepped into our tenderness. Well, at first I wanted to exclude this, but let me say it this way: If you ever heard me telling of the best blowjob in my life – forget it, it’s forgotten history. I told her she doesn’t need to, she never has to do that again in life. But she insisted, she liked it – because she loved me. You have a clue? … Nuff said! Let me better say, that a prayer was the first thing, when she entered the bed.

Unfortunately my second god child could only stay over the Christmas holidays. But this Christmas was the most touching feast in my life. My first Christmas with own children and satisfying yearning eyes. It will be branded in my memories till the end of days. But the most moving incident was to see my two Thais taking each other in arms. Probably it was the first time in their life. They did it slowly, shy, a wall had to fall. Have you ever seen redemptive tears of a mother hugging her baby?

When my second god child had to go she ripped a piece of my heart with her. I had her so deep in my heart, she was the most affectionate of all, so still, so fearing. I missed her.

It’s so easy to have well mannered children if you give them a home with warmth, simply too easy.

Don’t need to say it all had cost me something and my savings went south. Additionally my Thai lost her job and everything became a bit difficult. But I bravely looked forward. My Thai girl was mostly modestly and reasonable. But the management was in my hands. She gave everything in my hands, financially, regarding her daughter, even herself. Of course I had to work her a bit, give her an idea of German living. It looked good.

I put the daughter in a school near my home. Normality came into our life. But the day, the girl began her new school, was the day the disaster started. Immediately the girl was involved in brawl and crime. She turned around 180 degrees into an evil devil. I became aware that she wasn’t a child anymore, but a little adult with own views of self protection and survival fight. She betrayed the teachers, lied her mother, familiarised to gangs in a pre-stage of heavy criminals. Her teachers were horrified.

“You don’t have to wait long”, the class tutor prophesied me, “till your daughter stays away from home in the night.” The teacher knew the social scum of his school to well. I knew he was right.

I was the last one who had a wire to the girl. I counselled her and did my best to keep her trust and friendship in possession. Sometimes she turned into a weak child and entrusted me things of her life that even her mother never gets to know. Horrible experiences of a little immigrant child in Germany that made me despaired and hide my face in the hands. A trust that gave me understanding that she literally destroyed her life. I just could sit and talk to God – and catch a hug of my child from time to time. Brave girl.

By and by my girl friend became angry. I had laid her aside. I blamed the mother, I knew it wasn’t fair. But I was despaired, I just could think about how to save the daughter, how to retain the wire to her. I was helpless, angry and sad. Then a light came into the dark. Astonished I got to know, that the family of my Thai girl never was poor. In fact my Thai was a daughter of a wealthy business family. And this family had no bigger wish than to get her lost child back, could afford to send her to school in Thailand. I went in contact and the decision was made quickly: I send the daughter back.

My last savings were gone for the tickets. The family welcomed me with open arms and hearts. My god daughter moved in a catholic boarding school. Long hair cut, uniform, no make up, no cigarettes – what a lovely girl, what a difference. And the girl was really happy.

“Germany was the hell!” she claimed. “I never go back again.” She disappeared in the custodianship of the family, left my eyes in the privacy chapter of the house. Her grandmother stood straight like a candle and watched me – unmoving, proud, emotionless. Like the King on a photo. I felt her respect and thankfulness, but upper Thais hide emotions. I could virtually hear a big iron door closing between me and my beloved little girl. I knew she was more far away now than 10.000 km, much more far away – endless distanced.

The whole family was happy and curiously to learn me to know. Usually we sat on the veranda in the evening and chatted by tons of food and beer. The uncle of my girl friend really got on my nerves. My Thai girl was like an own child to him.

“How much do you love her?” He grinned. The older sister of my Thai girl translated his Thai to English.

“I love her very much.” I responded, but he wasn’t satisfied.

“How much you love her?”

“Maak maak!” He really bored me for ours.

“Show me how much you love her.”

I spread my arms as far as possible. “I love her so much!” The others laughed. But he shook disappointed his head.

“Show me more. How big is your love?” I was at a loss and asked the sister for a superlative expression. She gave me an answer and I told it in Thai to the uncle.

“My love is big as heaven far.”

He nodded happy and grinned. “Please say it again!”

“My love is big as heaven far.” Oh dear, I had to repeat it 1000 times.

The grandmother was a very important person in the city. She lived with a serious man who helped her in estate business. She divorced from her husband, my Thai girls father, many years ago. My girlfriends father lived in a hut of corrugated iron, not far from the rich building of the family. That sounds barbarian, but let me say that he had a good income by running a public toilet. And his home even had an airconditioning. Everything backed up by the family. And sometimes, yes sometimes you could see the shadow of a girl flitting out of his hut, a service he could afford from time to time. Let’s face the inhuman impression of the hierarchic social structure. But I must say, that they always care of their family members, they never leave anyone alone.

The only words I could understand by the father were: “Gagagagaga … .” An apoplexy lamed his speech and bowed his figure. An old man in the end of his days, but happy compared to our home for the aged in Germany. Let me die here when I’m old!

One thing that really made me angry was the behaviour of my girlfriend. Obviously she had a bad position in her family. She was always aggressive and arrogant, threw my last money around and wasn’t susceptive to my arguments. She presented herself as a rich German, I couldn’t recognise her anymore. We fought over arguments. I invested money the last time in an airconditioning for the daughters room and left the country angry about my girl. She stayed some weeks more and I awaited her return. I was firmly resolved to finish the relationship. I was broken, my savings gone, the bank account deep red. I was broken through all limits I marked.

But the only thing that occupied me at home was loneliness and sadness. The first view at home went in the children room, that still looked as if my little darling could come from school every moment to wrap her arms around me. I hugged her pillow and breathed the smell of her hair. I missed her so much. That she was in a better world now couldn’t relieve my pain. I was at point zero, the moment I always was fearing, the moment when everything is over.

When I picked up my Thai girl at the airport I was prepared to argue reasonable about our parting. I didn’t want to throw her out. I tried to find a well thought solution with her. The discussion went several days and sometimes some porcelain flew through my apartment. I couldn’t understand her arguments, she talked nonsense in my view. How bad her parents have been, how difficult her childhood had been. But at the end she used a weapon I had to capitulate in. Actually we were ready to go to sleep. While undressing and washing we ran into each other arguing and fighting. She was just slipping into the bathrobe when the clothes fall down and she started to cry in her birthday suit. She held me tight and cried crocodile tears.

“Please”, she sobbed, “you don’t know what you are doing to me! Please, give me a chance, one more chance. Please!” She sank down on her knees and raised the hands to a deep wai. “I do everything you want!” she whined in tears. “Just one last chance! I am yours, be merciful!” She bend down and clinched around my legs, her tears dropped on my feet and they felt her cool hyperventilating breath. I was confused, I've never seen something like that, just in bad Thai videos. I pulled her up on the feet and said:

“Don’t do that, please. Come on, stand up.” I held her tight and she pressed her wet lips on mine. I couldn’t defend to her flood of kisses.

“You give me a chance, yes? You do, yes?”

“Okay, darling”, I took a deep breath, “yes, I give you a chance.”

Released and exhausted she broke down in my arms.

I tried to make the best out of it. It was clear we needed a new start. I had to search new luck in our relationship, it wasn’t easy. She got a new job and it looked better a while. But sunshine didn’t find back in my heart. The dead end of our finances was always present. A bitter end in outlook.

By and by I got understanding for her fateful way of live, her difficult childhood, the hope of a better life in Germany. Her parents were strict and demanding. The older sister was the beloved conforming girl, assiduously, aspired and submissively. She made her way to a nurse director in Bangkok.

But my girl was a naughty child. She felt unfair treatment. Always complained, rose up and got punishment. She was a rebel, just a reflection of her wild daughter in my imagination. As a little child she decided on her own will to leave the family and live with her uncle and aunt. Yes, her uncle who loved her like his own child, how often did he protect her for her mothers fury? My Thai girl grew up and fell in love with a Thai boy in the age of 16. In dismay of her parents she insisted to believe in her love. With 17 she got her baby, the consequence of her revolting self determination. But the Thai boy left her alone. Now she was down, dependant on mercy of her harsh family. Completely down in the hierarchy, without education, only good for the dirty work at home. She couldn’t stand that situation and decided to find better luck in a relationship to a good hearted man. She went over to Germany and failed again and again. The family let her go. Thais respect a child's will. They are strict, but never brake a will. And they never leave a member alone. They always awaited her daughters return, knew of her problems and depth. They were ready to take her daughter home, to pay her depth and give her home. The patience was over, they shouted her to come home.

But then, suddenly, a promisingly new man came into their observation. A German who sacrificially cared of their children. A last chance to watch out.

All the time their eyes rested on me. They knew everything, every step of me. They waited to see if this man could make it true. But I failed. I’m just a farang – another disappointment.

My Thai girl went back to move into her corrugated iron hut, to accept her fate. Maybe to sleep in front of the feet of her decent sister. To do the dusty work under the eyes of her daughter. Again I virtually heard the noise of the big iron door closing in front of me.

“How much do you love her?”

“My love is big as heaven far.”

Her uncle will never notice me again.

“Gagagagaga … .”

I’m mud in his eyes.

“I never had a stepfather like you.”

I never see her again.

Stickman says:

No comments yet as I haven't had time to read it!