Readers' Submissions

The Adventures Of Mr Pootzoo : In Peril

  • Written by Anonymous
  • October 24th, 2002
  • 5 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

By Mr Pootzoo


Depending on which way a mans walking, Thailand is either the beginning or end of a wonderful experience. An exotic stage for morals abandoned and unveiling ones hidden self. If hit by a truck tomorrow, I can take comfort in two things. Number one : Most appreciated memories in Thailand. Number two : Most appreciated memories in Thailand.

Exiting the Bangkok airport, the concrete highway to Bangkok is well marked, a no brainer to the hotel. The next day, fasten your seat belts, time for the ride of your life. The road no longer concrete, invisibly splits into many delightful directions. A virtual road to stimulating sensations with not possibly enough time to get your fill of contentment in one short week. A land of extreme boundaries whether visual or mental. Praise the big silver bird for making short work of long distances traveled. The 600 miles per hour marvel that makes Thailand seem next door. No cold slap in the face that suggests you are on the other side of the world. Wednesday at work, Friday in Thailand. Lovely, just lovely.

OK, enough of the awe inspiring jibber jabber. Obviously this story is either headed to the GO-GO BAR, foggy decisions made under the influence of alcohol, dreamy Thai ladies or probably all of the above.

Dashed out of the GO-GO BAR as happy as a hog in a bucket of slop. A little tipsy from a Singha or four but walking a straight line with the flashing neon of the next GO-GO in welcome sight. But what's this? Up ahead blocking my path to my next oasis, four Thai touts amongst the Patpong night market crowd barking with extreme vim and vigour their mission for the night. They appear to be so intimidating and possibly a gang of unpredictable bullies. Best to avoid this, maybe better to cross the street and go around? Maybe not, last time on that side of the street things got a little too faggy, lets avoid King Katoey tonight. Just walk by fast, they will never notice a stray drunk.

Showing no sensitivity for passers by, the touts lust for potential baht and retaining their job. Drat, I've been spotted. Seems I'm next on their list. Shoving truly bizarre menus in my face, the touts broadcast fish pussy, ping pong pussy, on and on and on at an ear splitting level. Out of the corner of my shifty eye I spot a farang mother and daughter shopping the night market but no doubt shocked, petrified and starring with disbelief. For them, what a horrifying story to tell back home to the tea party snobs.

Upstairs the touts point taunting with a gentle push on my back. Hesitation sets in like rigor mortis, leaning my head back, glaring up the narrow stairway pointing to the Bangkok Twilight Zone. I know I have only been standing here for only a few moments but time has lost its meaning. The chaos of the Patpong night market and frantic crowd no longer catches my attention and the curiousness of the stairway's destination leads me to a major decision. The touts menu tells all.

Yes I start up the stairway with reservations. STOP POOTZOO STOP. Follow your instincts, this is a line not to be crossed. Temporarily losing control I start up the narrow creaky wooden steps. Please, somebody walk down the stairs and say don't waste your baht. No such chance, all alone with my head spinning. What is it that uncontrollably tempts me? Possibly a coochie shooting a ping pong ball across the room? Or maybe the jelly donut giving birth to a goldfish? Decisions, is this a line not to cross? Continuing to ascend the stairs to the walk on the wild side my priorities unravel. Thinking of the Thai lady. Beautiful as a misty mountain vista, a pure white sand beach or a rare classic painting. What waits at the end of the stairway? My enchanting vision of the Thai lady or a hag performing circus feats ? Maybe during intermission a wild thrill parading a two headed calf or the world famous block head pounding six inch nails up his nose. Half way up the stairs now, oh please come to your senses POOTZOO. Hesitating but still being drawn upward I claim victory. Prancing back down the now forgotten stairway back on course toward the inviting surreal GO-GO BAR, a menagerie where a sucker can get an even break. No hurry, no hurry, a kingdom where I am at my own leisure and dictate my own pace. Barreling back through the touts, they express their dismay to my deaf ears. Buzz off lads, POOTZOO the farang has spoken.

So how far is too far? A beckoning Thailand offering a wide open door. Where do you draw the line? I can only speak for myself.

After all the cheap talk about morals, I must confess a hidden desire. The TUK TUK, basic cheap transportation and that's all. Better than walking right? Well not quite, POOTZOO has had a secret hidden desire to poke a Thai maiden in the back of a TUK TUK and wonders if it will ever come true. I'm not talking about zooming down bustling Sukhumvit, tongue wagging frantically sucking in toxic fumes from passing automobiles while people point their fingers in astonishment. Wouldn't dream of offending Bhudda in the publics eye. More like a freshly waxed TUK TUK parked in a fragrant orchid garden on the banks of the Chao Phraya with romantic evening moon beams glistening on the river as a brisk tropical breeze shoots up the crack of my ass. The down side would be ending up in a cheap Thai video available for a cheap price. At least no fear of the two way mirror. Yes the simple pleasures of life are the best.

NOTE : Since SIR STICKMAN's website draws an international audience, a glossary may be needed for clarity to span nation to nation.

** GLOSSARY **

SUCKER : One who is easily deceived; a dupe.
TWILIGHT ZONE : ????
COOCHIE : What man never seems to get enough of !
JELLY DONUT : see COOCHIE.
POKE : To push or drive quickly and forcibly ; thrust:
HAG : A woman considered ugly or frightful.
FARANG : Mr POOTZOO
SNOB : 1. One who tends to patronize, rebuff, or ignore people
regarded as social inferiors and imitate, admire, or seek
association with people regarded as social superiors.
2. One who affects an offensive air of self-satisfied
superiority in matters of taste or intellect.
BLOCK HEAD : A side show circus performer just trying to earn a baht.
PERIL : 1a. Imminent danger. b. Exposure to the risk of harm or loss.
2. Something that endangers or involves risk
BULLIES : Hired ruffians; thugs.
FAGGY : BOY wants BOY. YUK !

Stickman says:

Ahh, pleasures come in many different guises.