The Adventures Of Mr Pootzoo
By Mr Pootzoo
Sang in the shower, dabbed luring cologne, sprinkled talcum powder and slid into fresh clothes. Ready to rock. Strutted out of the hotel headed for legendary Patpong. No sooner than out the hotel door, a bird shit on my head. Was this a warning of what's to come? Back to the room, must clean up, the Thai ladies probably wouldn't approve of a farang shithead.
What's that old saying? Never go to the supermarket hungry! Everything looks delicious and hell with the price. POOTZOO is starving and zooming toward the inviting sexy Patpong neon. Yes starving but food is not on my mind.
Time to sizzle. Floated into the GO-GO BAR, looked like the ants got into the sugar bowl. Frantic possessed farang with glossy eyes drooling over the choices on the Patpong menu. I can blend into this joint easily, hope all the tasty goodies give me a glance or two. When I'm bored, I'd pay 25 baht to watch a monkey eat a banana but this is so much better. Just sit back and watch the late show. NO NO, not the girly show, the farang show starring a world wide cast. All sizes, shapes and colours. Top rate entertainment and best of all its free. They must not get out much back home. Look over there, humpty dumpty with one girl sitting on his left leg and two on his right. Oohh my there are squeezing his shaft, I'm so embarrassed. Can't figure that one out, I always thought Thai girls didn't like bald 300 pound slobs.
Bet you he's happy. How about that one with a smile ear to ear. His nose is so big he could smoke a cigar in the shower. Don't Thai ladies laugh at big noses? Or maybe they have some kinky short time plans for that hot dog nose. And over there, that gent could use a few more teeth. He must really miss corn on the cob. But once again, such a lovely lady competing for his attention. I'm so confused. What's these guys secret? I'll keep a sharp eye, got to figure this out. I'd really be destroyed if I discovered money was the secret of their success.
Hmmm, a mystery. A handsome well dressed man sitting all alone, no babes. His face tells the story. My analysis = no money, no honey. Could be wrong but I doubt it. After all the sky is blue everywhere just as women are women, yes everywhere. Time out, got to take a piss. That couldn't be the toilet, there's lads and lasses going through the same door. Guess it was the right door but why is this Thai male toilet attendant massaging my back while I'm pissing with great velocity? I fear my aim isn't what it used to be. Steady, steady! Panic situation, don't know the Thai word for STOP IT, got some chick leaning over glancing at my stick and whats that moaning coming from the toilet stall? Quick, back to the bar. I hope I don't have to piss again tonight.
Yeah that's it just relax at the bar, this is what's its all about. Slide into the groove. Two Thai babes, one on each side of me. Things are clicking now. Oh my what should we talk about. Wait a minute, I've only known these babes for 1 hour with one hanging on to the left side of me crying, saying she is so happy and the other on my right crying because I won't buy her a cola. Two basket cases indeed. If I wasn't drunk I'd think this is weird. Might be a good idea to get the hell out of here. Noticed a GO-GO BAR right next door, better duck into that one, time to turn the channel. Off I go.
Can't hardly move in this shack, so many people. Shit, just tripped over somebody laying on the floor mumbling something about needing another beer. Excuse me, excuse me coming through. No buddy I don't want my ass kicked. What? Oh yes mamasan beautiful girls take pick, yeah yeah I know. Cola cola every lady wants cola cola. Ooops fast check, yes my wallets still there. One more Singha and I'll go across the soi to the GO-GO BAR with the fancy lights. If the music gets any louder the ladies broken English might be easier to understand. All the Thai ladies want to know where I'm from. How thoughtful and considerate of them. If they are nice to me I'll even tell them my favorite color is blue and that I toot a mean saxophone. I'm sure they will remember that for at least 15 minutes.
Ok, across the soi I go. No I don't want a tee shirt, copy Rolex, switchblade or purse. Play it cool POOTZOO, the police are at the end of the soi and prostitution is illegal in Thailand. Don't have enough extra baht to pay any bribes tonight. Great, this GO-GO BAR has the coldest Singha yet. What is wrong with this picture? The ladies have deeper voices, bigger hands and shoulders. Please don't do this to me. I am surrounded by what seems to be an embarrassing situation. Lets initially be polite then as soon as possible get the hell out of here. My Singha is so cold but I must go. But first she or he challenges me to pick out who is male or female. I hate to admit this but the one lady or whatever has the nicest ass I ever seen. Definitely time to go. GO POOTZOO GO and don't look back!! Your future sanity and direction in life is in extreme danger. Alcohol, friend or foe?
One last stop for the what seems to be a short night. Great, these Singhas are just as cold and no question that female ladies are flowing everywhere. Alert, across the bar a Thai doll is giving me hand signals. I have played a few Thai games in Phuket but not familiar with this one. I know, its the Thai version of charades. Lets see, on her left hand her thumb and fore finger are making the shape of a circle and her right hand middle finger is going in out in out in out of the circle of the left hand. With a blush on my face, I accept her invite. She is so so yes so beautiful and I give her permission to bounce on the POOTZOO. Bye , Bye.
QUICK NOTE :
Those who have never been to Bangkok may think this story is pure whimsical nonsense. Those who have been to Bangkok, well just another night out. Got to love it, Bangkok a perfect example of controlled chaos.
Controlled chaos is one way to put it…