Readers' Submissions

Finally I Filed For Divorce

  • Written by NongSung
  • February 10th, 2002
  • 26 min read




You might know my story, maybe you don't but if you interested in reading my story then proceed; if you are looking for an update on bars, girls, short and long times then you better skip this one..

It’s quite a sad story and I want every reader to give it some time to sink in before having an opinion about it. It’s so easy to blame one or another, but much more difficult to understand the Thai way of thinking. It’s a story about two different worlds, not only falang versus Thai but falang versus Thai BG. I still think it’s possible to have a working relationship with a Thai girl but it’s another story to have a Thai BG. They still have a kind of survival mechanism that is unfamiliar to us. It kicks in as soon as there is a major problem; their way of thinking is not necessarily wrong, but different to ours. Read it, try to place yourself in my shoes; try to place yourself in her shoes… I hope it never happens to you.

HERE IT GOES

I am married to a Thai (former BG) for 7 years now and currently I filed for divorce; this is how one thing led to another and how it inflicted the lives of me, my wife and her family.

Like I said she was a former BG and I met her in Europe; I was single at that time, she was a working girl (as you understand what I mean); I took her out of the business and she moved in with me. Not because of love but she was in some kind of trouble. I felt sorry for her and promised to help her out. But after a while love kicked in and one year later we got married and everything looked fine, she was passionate, honest, not that demanding (for money) and we got on pretty well. Throughout the years she proved to be a good wife to me and as far as I know I was not too bad to her. We had our ups and downs but always managed to cope with that. People said that we looked like the perfect couple; who am I to argue…

I loved her (I still do) and she loved me (and she still does) but it's all fucked up now.

Two years ago we moved within Europe and our relationship was still okay; maybe not that passionate as before but still very, very close. A deep understanding of each others needs, call it 'mates'. She started to build up social contacts in the Thai community and I was happy to see that she was able to make a number of new friends; so I did not have to worry about her being lonely. The fool I was… What I did not know was that she was not feeling too well for some time, and that she was worrying about it. She had some rare infections (she said it was in the family), some night sweating (she said it was due to bad dreams) but she was afraid she contacted HIV from her previous job… She felt something in her body was definitely not okay. I was not aware that…

And now the story splits into two different versions; mine and hers; I'll tell you mine first…

THE LAST ONE AND A HALF YEARS

MY STORY

My wife has a sister, now 26 years old and she asked me if I could put an ad in the newspaper in order to find her a boyfriend so I did. A number of letters arrived and after a while there was only one guy left. An older guy, definitely well off and it seemed an honest guy. We met him a number of times and he started to write to my wife’s sister, exchanging photos and so on. In my opinion, my wife’s sister was no match for him but my wife thought it was. She (my wife) started to teach him a bit of Thai; they met during lunch time and I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable about it.

So I told her to slow down and she did. What puzzled me was the fact that this guy hesitated to go to Thailand in order to meet my wife's sister. Every time there was an excuse, an urgent business matter or something else to cancel his trip. I started to be a little conspicuous about it.

Then (October 2000) I went to Thailand and contracted a bad case of food poison; I was in a Bangkok hospital for several days and as a part of the medical check-up my blood was tested; on my request for HIV as well. I was negative…

Shortly after my return my wife asked me if it was okay that she would go to a specialist in order to get treatment for the dark areas on her face (like many Isaan girls have). I said 'sure' and she made an appointment but before the specialist would treat her he wanted to check her blood first. He planned to treat the black areas with medication that would need to check her blood levels regular and he asked her if it was okay to check everything (including HIV). She though 'no problem since my husband is negative'. She came out positive; not only on HIV but hepatitis C as well…

We were devastated but I told her that I still loved her, that we would find a way to pick up our lives again and make the best of it. She was depressed, she cried and I tried to calm her down. After a while we started to talk about how we would cope with the future. Her blood levels indicated that she was not far from needing treatment and it was obvious to me that she needed someone to take care of her soon. She was diagnosed having a maximum of 5 years left (because of advanced Hep C and HIV). Her wish was to stay in Europe (because of the medical facilities) and have someone from her family to come over to take care of her. She indicated that we should think about her niece (a nineteen year old daughter of her elder sister); she could take care of her and could be my future wife after her death. I knew this particular girl for a long time but I passed on that one… So we decided to try to get my wife's daughter a visa, she could take care of her and we would see later how to act on the future wife thing.

So I planned to travel to Thailand in order to take care of the paperwork (for her daughter) to get her to live with us as soon as possible. So I spend three weeks in Thailand, took care of the paperwork for her planned visit to Europe in a couple of months. I took the papers back home with me in order to ask for a visa for family reunion.

Coming home I noticed the atmosphere had changed. I could not put my finger on it but there was something going on. She (my wife) told me that her mom went to a future teller and he said that we would divorce soon. I don’t believe in these things and I told her so but nevertheless it all started to make sense; she was seeing someone else… So I asked her repeatedly but she denied it but she was not happy, very nervous. I knew for sure that there was another guy…

It took a week before she admitted that she was seeing another guy and that she loved him and wanted to move in with him. She told me she met him at her ‘work’; I was devastated, thought my life was over and I more or less begged her to give him up and continue our relationship. I would forgive her everything. She did not want that and after a week she left our house. I phoned her and told her that I would not guarantee for the visa application for her daughter; that was her new boyfriend’s job, not mine.

I had to straighten up my mind so I bought a ticket and flew back to Thailand three weeks later. I’m the kind of guy who asks things only once so I knew I would never ever ask her again to come back to me. And deep in my heart I knew that I could forgive but never forget what she did to me. And I could never trust her anymore. I knew I could not live with these things, I knew that our relationship was damaged beyond repair. So we would never ever get back together again and every time I was panicking I thought about that. It eased the pain.

And then Thailand; straight to the family in Isaan where I held a good bye party. Although the family was shocked they knew all about it for a long time. THAT opened my eyes and it was just what I needed to take some distance from it. We partied, had a lot of fun and I talked a little bit with the niece of my wife. To cut a long story short, I invited her to join me to Phuket and the family agreed. So we spent a couple of days at the beach but it was more a kind of father / daughter relation and I for sure was not ready for something new. Back in Bangkok I did my regular bar hopping but this time there was no one to be faithful to; almost every morning I woke up with another sweet and soft young lady next to me.

But soon it was time to go home; I had made up my mind; I would not give her a second chance, I’d rather stay alone than give it a try with her again. What kept me going was the fact that I had to keep in mind that she was nothing more than a plain hooker. I did my best in giving her a better life but apparently it wasn’t good enough. She betrayed me with at least two guys and a number of ‘customers’ so how could I ever make love to her again? I knew I couldn’t.

But I felt very sorry for her in making these big mistakes; she was positive and her future did not look that bright, but that seems to be the risk she took; she gambled, she lost. Back home I collected all her stuff for her to pick up and when she arrived she was shocked and angry but she accepted my point of view. I told her that I wanted to see her as a very good friend but nothing more. And more important; I wanted a divorce.

Her boyfriend wanted to talk to me and although I was not very interested in doing that I agreed and talked to him a couple of times over the phone. Because we both speak the same language it was easy for me to find out that he was full of shit. His story did not make sense and I knew he was not telling me the truth. Far more badly he spoke without respect about my wife. I knew she made the wrong choice. I told my wife so and I tried to open her eyes that he was still married, betrayed his wife by visiting hookers and that that could happen to her as well. But, up to her. The next couple of months we were in regular contact, and from time to time she would mention that she wanted to come back to me. Although she still has a special place in my heart I knew it would never work; it would never be the same as before.

Back in farangland I had a number of short encounters with Thai ladies but more for the fun of it and never very serious. Then my wife phoned me and asked me if I could help her out. She still wanted her daughter to come over but since her boyfriend still was married that would complicate matters. Could I help her with a holiday visa for her daughter? Our lawyer could take care that her holiday visa would be changed into a permanent one because of family reunion and the fact my wife was HIV positive. I told her I would think about that but a couple of days later I agreed to it but she had to promise me to agree with a divorce once the visa was given.

So my wife went to Thailand to ask for a visa for her daughter and it was then that she phoned to me with an unexpected message. She told me she visited her niece and that this niece could not sleep, could not eat because she was thinking about me all the time. I was pleasantly surprised but also on guard because there might be a hidden agenda. My wife asked me if I would like her niece to come over as well and I thought ‘let’s give it a try, I’m alone, she’s is a nice girl let’s see what happens’.

So on a Friday morning I left for the airport I noticed and passed the BMW of her boyfriend. Intentionally I started to drive slowly (80 km per hour). I thought ‘when you’ll try to pass me we will have a major accident. But since he seems to be very afraid of me he kept well behind me for 25 km or so. I had told my wife that if I would see him at the airport I would kill him and she obviously passed on that message. After my wife, her daughter and the niece arrived on the airport and we went our separate ways; my wife, her daughter and the boyfriend (haven’t seen him!) to one direction, me and the niece another.

The following 2.5 months were surprisingly good; This girl took good care of me, started to be real close to me but had to learn a lot. Being just a poor Isaan girl with no bar or big city experience she was pretty naive but she proved to be a quick learner. I started to have feelings for her but due to the age difference I could not open my heart completely for her.

But in the other part of town things were not that good. Every day my wife still went to her work, leaving her daughter and her boyfriend together. And he was very, very close to her, much closer then normally would have been accepted. During the day my new girlfriend sometimes went to the daughter of my wife and at home my GF asked me if it was normal that my wife’s daughter would sit on the boyfriend's lap. He kissed her good morning, he kissed her good night. My wife also told me that they were so close and I warned her for the consequences. She told me it wasn’t a major problem, she knew him and she certainly knew her daughter. I thought she acted foolishly.

I went to my lawyer and he started the preparation in order to apply for a family reunion visa for the daughter of my wife. I took care of a statement from my wife’s doctor stating that she was very sick and needed her daughter to take care of her. Meanwhile I received several alarming stories from my GF who was in regular contact with the daughter of my wife.

But time passed by and it was almost time for my GF to go home. We agreed to give it some time and not to make commitments to each other although she was eager to go on with me. I brought her to the airport and promised each other to stay in touch by phone and mail. That night I received a distressed phone call from my wife about her boyfriend and her daughter; they started some kind of a relationship and my wife asked me if it was okay that her daughter would move in with me to cool things down. I agreed and picked her daughter up.

The next morning my wife phoned me again to tell me that she could not accept that her daughter and her boyfriend would have any kind of relationship. It however would be okay if I started something with her daughter; ‘why not’ she said. My mouth fell wide open… I started to understand her goals; she really wanted to come back to me and was doing everything to keep the door open. She was obviously desperate and doing everything to keep her options open. Okay, she was playing a smart game, but what about the daughter?

So I talked to her daughter that very night. I told her that since she moved in things would be different. I explained her that I would appreciate some distance between her and I because she remembers me of my wife / her mother and that it would be easy for me to fall in love with her.

And she did not want me to be her boyfriend, did she? No, she said, I love my mother's boyfriend. Cool, at least I knew that it was only the game of her mother. Several days later (and intensive talks) I found out that the daughter and my wife’s BF had a sexual relationship as well. She had given him her virginity… She asked me to go on with the visa application so she could stay here and as soon as her mother's BF / her BF would be divorced he would take care of her. I told her ‘no way’. She was here to take care of her mother and for this only reason I was willing to help her with a visa; but for other purposes…no way.

Then she (the daughter) promised me to give him up so she could stay here; she would take care of me (cooking/cleaning) and in exchange for that I would go on with the visa. I agreed but I told her that I would probably go on with my new GF; just in case she was thinking something else. Within a week she broke her promise and I changed her ticket for the first available flight back home. I still had two weeks to go before I was due to fly to Thailand as my wife tried to negotiate to come back to me. I answered her action by filing for divorce. She finally understood my point of view.

HER STORY

Yes the story about my sister is partly true. I was sure I was sick, that my time was limited and I had to take care of my family back in Thailand with a huge amount of money. Yes, I loved (and still love) my husband but I needed a winning lottery ticket now; I have no time anymore. When I met this guy I thought 'well, he's not that good looking but he can take care of me and my family very, very well'. I have priorities now; first money then love…

As time moved on I did not want him to visit my sister; he would be mine… I would give it a try with him and if it did not work out she could have him and I still would have my husband…

This guy did not like the dark areas on my face and he sent me to a specialist. He wanted me to check for HIV before we continued our secret relationship. As soon as this was done I would tell my husband that I wanted a divorce.

And my husband was negative so I felt I had nothing to fear… But I was positive and this guy told me that he wanted to stop the relationship; just good friends but no future plans. I cried for days, about my life, about our lives, about being dumped, about being unfaithful to my husband who was so sweet to me when I told him I was positive.

I was very lucky that my husband did not find out about it; okay he felt something but I could convince him every time that nothing was going on. But I lost my barrier, I crossed the red line in our relationship; I betrayed him and it would never be the same any more. Sooner or later he would find out and dump me anyway; unfaithful and HIV positive that would be enough for him…

I made some new Thai friends over here and played cards with them in a massage parlour. I thought ‘what the hell, I can do a customer or two, he (my husband) will never find out’. Slowly I started to work in that massage parlour (without telling my husband). I needed money because my time was limited and I would lose my husband anyway sooner or later. At home I was able to act normally. I only had a hard time convincing him that I’d rather not go out and visit some particular Thai bar. I was tired, not feeling well; the people over there were bad, and so on. I did not wanted him to find out about my secret life.

And because I felt guilty I thought when I put him and my niece together I would not feel so guilty anymore. He did not approve that my niece would come over but accepted that my daughter would ask for a visa and shortly after that he booked a flight to Thailand in order to take care of things. Meanwhile I worked at this massage parlour and there I met a guy called X.

He really went crazy about me, spent a lot of money on me and although he was married and not that good looking; he owned his own company, drove a big BMW so there was my lottery ticket!

I dated him on several occasions, showed him to my friends (even friends my husband knew) because I was sure that my marriage was over and that I would go on with X.

My husband came home and I tried to open up the issue by bullshitting him with a story about a fortune teller; I wanted him to let me go and push him to another girl. That would make things easier. But he noticed there was something going on and after a week of denying and lying I could not cope with that anymore so I told him that I was seeing X. I also told him I was working at this parlour so I thought ‘he’ll quit me for sure now”. He did not and that made things so difficult.

But anyway, I left to move in with X and my husband flew to Thailand to get his act together. But before he left he told me he would not guarantee for my daughter.

As soon as I moved in with X I started to miss my husband and, to make things more complicated, X did not have so much money after all; business was ‘not so good’. I started to realize I had made a big mistake. All the familiar things were gone. I had to start all over with X and I discovered that my heart was still with my husband.

And he went to Phuket with my niece, my God, I was jealous, now I was losing him just when I thought I would like to crawl back on my knees. The three weeks he was in Thailand took forever and I made my plan to ask him to forgive me and take me back as soon as he had returned.

When he came back he packed all my stuff so apparently there was no way I could come back to him; I knew X was not exactly what I was looking for but I had to stick with him because I had no place to go anymore. My husband warned me about X but I did not want to listen (I knew he was the wrong choice). I had no choice other than continuing my relationship with X but for sure, I was not very happy. The next month I told my husband on several occasions that I wanted to come back to him, I knew he still loved me but he said he couldn’t anymore. I felt very sad about that.

But I wasn’t feeling too well, my blood levels (HIV) were going downhill so I talked with X about my daughter. He looked at her picture several times and declared that he would do everything for her. But he was still married and therefore it would be difficult to make a guarantee for her.

So I explained this to my husband and asked him if he would help me out; he did!

I bought a ticket and travelled to my family and visited my niece. I was worried about the future. My husband was dating a number of Thai girls back home and I thought when I put my husband and my niece together I could always come back because my niece would respect me. Since I was in power with the family I could kick out my niece if I wanted to. But with other Thai girls I had no chance all.

My niece had thought about my husband for a couple of days after her return from Phuket. She liked him a lot but wasn’t in love with him. I told her I could get her a visa but she had second thoughts about it. I visited her a couple of times and talked to my sister and finally they agreed.

So I phoned to my husband and told him that this girl couldn’t sleep & eat (which was not true) and he agreed that she would come to Farangland as well. Just for 3 months, see how things would work out. I took my niece to Bangkok, applied for a passport and visa, bought her a ticket and then we flew with the three of us back to Europe.

My boyfriend would pick me up but I told him to wait in the car park because my husband was still very angry on him. As soon as my husband disappeared with my niece I phoned him to pick us up.

Back home I noticed that X treated my daughter really well . He was very nice to her and I was happy to see that. But on the other hand I had mixed feelings about it. I wanted to know if he really loved me (he said he did) and I wanted to know if I could trust my daughter. So I left them alone and went to my work; my husband warned me but I just had to find out.

A couple of months later (my niece was about to go home) and I noticed something had changed at home. There was something in the air; something was going on between X and my daughter. I asked and asked but they denied everything. The day my niece went to the airport I found out that X and my daughter had fallen in love with each other.

I phoned my husband asking him to take my daughter in his house. I had to save what I could save…

So I thought when I put my daughter and my husband together I would have a chance with X again and if it doesn’t work out I still can come back to my husband because I’ll then tell my daughter to give up on my husband. Or, when my husband makes a move towards my daughter its okay too.

It all looked so easy… My daughter is a competitor now and I have to neutralize that. But my husband did not make that move and he found out that my daughter and X had a sexual relationship as well.

I was devastated; now I lost my husband, my daughter AND my new BF. My husband was planning a Thailand trip to spend more time with T, my daughter wanted to have MY boyfriend and I was about to lose everything. But still I thought I had a chance; my daughter would go back home soon and my husband would be alone. I would try to convince him to start all over again with me… But he filed for divorce that very week…

CURRENT SITUATION

I have just returned from a one month visit to my new GF. I’m happy to tell you all that things really worked out between the two of us. But the family matters are still complicated. The niece is the daughter of the eldest sister of my wife (or should I say ex-wife). Since I have known her family pretty well over the years I am aware that they are the black sheep of the family. And that is good because they are certainly not as greedy as my old family-in-law. It was hard to spend any money on them and they were happy with everything I did for them.

I offered them 5K baht a month and they jumped up in the air. Honest, reliable and pure people and I was treated like a king over there. The family of my ex-wife doesn’t like the situation because the walking ATM machine has moved from one location to another. Luckily there is 15 kilometres between the two villages… This month my new GF will come back to me for another 3 months; we will have to wait for the divorce to be finalized before we will able to marry; but that will happen.

And my wife / ex-wife?

She is still with her boyfriend although the relationship is fucked up. She is still working and seeing other guys as well. Still wants to come back to me… Looking back I really feel sorry for the mistakes she made, if it wasn’t for the mistakes I would still be married to her, sure. She’s sick and I worry about that, in fact I think a part of me will always love her and care about her. But life goes on, her life and my life…

We still are more or less good friends, despite all the things that happened.

Bless you all,

NongSung

Stickman says:

Its always sad to see these marriages go bad, but as you say yourself, marriage with a Thai lady is one thing, with a Thai bargirl is an entirely different thing. The lack of honesty, or the lack of value in honesty as perceived by some Thais is a good part of the reason that I know that I could never marry a Thai. I was reading through waiting for the bit to come out where you said that that you too had contracted HIV. I was pleasantly surprised to see that that never happened. Good luck.