A Moment Of Clarity

Hi Pung,

You should read this email very carefully. You need a farang who speaks Thai to understand what I have written. I am supposed to be going to Thailand very soon, but I am not so sure anymore. You see, I spend a lot of time on the computer and I read a lot of websites about Thailand and Thai women. It is surprising to me and to other farangs, the way Thai people think and behave. What you may consider normal behaviour and acceptable, is considered fxxxin' awful in Farangland.

The problem with most men, is they think with their dicks. Farang men are no exception. There are some men however, who can actually think with their heads and leave their limp dick out of the thought process. I like to think I am one of those men.

The reason I question your sincerity is not definable, nor easy to explain. It is more of a feeling I have, as well as the wealth of information available to any fool who can type "Thailand" on Google. I do not love you….how could I, after knowing you for such a short time? But I do feel pity and I do feel responsibility, but I do not feel obligation. I am obliged to my daughter and myself and that is it.

The truth be told, I really do think you are a decent human being. You have some integrity. You take care of your kids as best you can, you love your family and you have done well to stay away from prostitution. You work hard for very little in return. When I met you, you had 2 jobs to try and make ends meet. Before I left, you gave me flowers, a handkerchief, as well as a doll and hair clips for my daughter. You even offered your last 1000 baht, when my money was finished. You did not sleep with me and I never asked, nor presumed you would. I call you every day and you are always there to talk with me. You email me sometimes but I understand that you have to pay a friend to read, then reply to me. You tell me about your day and what you are doing the next and I love to hear every word you say. I believe everything you tell me, because I know from the moment I saw you, that you were not for sale. It would take more to open your heart (or your legs ha ha) than a few baht.

But there are many things that worry me about you. After our first date, you told me you would like to live in Farangland. Only a few hours in my company and you want to emigrate? I can understand that, but could you do it under your own steam?…..I don't think so! But why do you want to come here? For what? Sure you can work for good money here, but what then? Please tell me.

I have sent you money every month so that you only have to work one job and you had the cheek to ask for more, when I explained to you, I am not a rich man. Are you not happy that you can work only one job and still provide for your kids? Do you not consider yourself lucky to have someone provide for your kids, when their father gives nothing but beatings and problems?

And what about your job? I understand that after the tsunami, many hotels were forced to close and you lost your job. I know the bar you work for, does not demand you to go with customers. You are the same as a barmaid in the UK. However, people will assume that you are a bar girl, even though you are not. Why do you not find a job outside of bar work? I have seen beautiful chambermaids in hotels I have stayed in, who refuse to compromise their integrity. Are the hotels not all open now it is high season? What exactly do you think you will do for work in the UK? Let me tell you, whatever you do it will be whole lot more difficult than a few meals, a game of pool and a checkbin or two.

And what of your life here in the UK? Where I live, it is no paradise…..that's why I go to Thailand twice a year. How long do you think you will stay before you want to leave? And what then? Back to Thailand? Back to poverty? What???? And what about your kids? Do they not need you? How do you think you will cope without them? If I can not desert my child, how the fuck can you? What does that say about a mother who leaves her children 6000 miles behind?

You say you love me but how can that be? It takes time to feel true love….time to know someone, the good and the bad. I do not think you are so stupid to fall head over heals, for a man you have known but a few weeks and a few months over the phone. I am not sure you know what the word love means. Is it just something you feel obliged to say at the end of a phone call?

Why is it that you are afraid of me understanding Thai? I only learn because your English is limited, even though you have to use it every day. So what if I understand what you say? What have you got to hide?

I wanted to spend a month with you. Take you to places you have never seen. To be with you the first time you have been on a plane. To explore a country that has remained hidden to you, all your life. To eat in nice restaurants, shop in nice stores, sleep in nice hotels…..a whole month where you do not have to work….and then….

….You ask me for 25000 baht!!! I plan to take you on the holiday of a lifetime and you ask me for 25,000 fxxxin' baht!!! Girl, you must be mad, or stupid, or both. So you want to sell illegal lottery tickets huh? You say you will pay me back? Yeah, right! Then why not borrow the money off your family? Do you know why you will not lend from your family? Because you would have to pay them back! Stupid farangs that hand over 25,000 baht, do not deserve to be paid back….is that not so?

Maybe I am being hard on you. Maybe you deserve the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you respect me more than I give you credit for. Maybe you are one in a million, but I can not help feel that love, family and a happy life with me is your main agenda. All I see is problems…..all I see is me giving and you taking.

I have dreamed so many times of you being beside me….and our life and future together, but now I am not so sure. I am not sure I want to take the risk anymore.

Ah well….plenty more fish in the sea

Chok dee na

PS I have changed my flights, so do not bother going to the airport

Stickman's thoughts:

Excellent! Now all you readers need to do, is to change the name, and change the amounts – and you to can send this "my escape" letter!