The Thirteen Commandments
By Big Boy


COMMANDMENT NUMBER ONE

Remain dignified while drinking cheap wine from a plastic cup.
This goes double for when you’re in elevated company. Drinking out of a “bucket” at the full moon party is one thing and straight from the bottle is perfect in a disco full of whores but always try to show a little class when you represent your country in LOS... or soon you will be as welcome as a crack dealer at a Baptist convention.

COMMANDMENT NUMBER TWO
Have sympathy for the devil.
Many a poor sucker tells tales of hooking up with a she-devil in LOS. Always remember some of these girls have it way worse than any of us. Give generously...Some of the girls around us are genuinely nice people from good families and they end up hanging around overweight, drunk abusive old men, some of which have God-complexes. Sometimes I wonder how they manage to force a smile and laugh at our jokes

COMMANDMENT NUMBER THREE
Never be defeated
You don’t have to jump off a building because your money ran out. Go home and get a job... and then come back.

COMMANDMENT NUMBER FOUR
Reputation. Reputation. Reputation.
This is about your reputation at home. Make sure no one really knows that you come to LOS to indulge in drunkenness, ladies of the night and forbidden pleasures. I personally tell everyone I have a business here exporting bags and textiles. It’s a total lie and no family members or friends' uptight wives suspect a thing.

COMMANDMENT NUMBER FIVE
Beware false profits. And Prophets.
If you are mad enough to buy a business here pay special attention to Commandment five. I hear more business horror stories than successes in LOS. I have examined some Thai business balance sheets and found them to be the greatest works of fiction since Harry Potter.

COMMANDMENT NUMBER SIX
Avoid the creative crossover.
I sometimes wonder why so many guys wonder around in fisherman’s pants with dreadlocked beaded hair slagging of the “farangs“.....it's not a very good look is it ?

COMMANDMENT NUMBER SEVEN
Never eulogise the damned.
Many unbalanced creatures of the night fall under the excessive consumption of alcohol and sex. Their inevitable deaths then become monuments to the weak minded, their legends preserved like a pickled liver, held up to be cherished and toasted as an example of hard core heroism. Jack Kerouac was a twat. Amy Winehouse joins him. 
Getting of that bar stool and spending some time in a health spa will do you the world of good. I used to be in really bad shape. Koh Samui  has excellent cheap detox spas and so do Phuket and Chang Mai. Alcohol is a poison and so is junk food. Look after your body it’s the only one you have... The best spa I have been at in Thailand is at Thesparesorts.net. Going to health spas instead of bars is the best thing I ever did in Thailand and proves that the best things in Thailand are truly away from the bar scene.

THOU SHALT SUFFER THE WINNERS CURSE
So you finally get the girl of your dreams. Unfortunately you soon realize that nearly everybody thinks you’ve married a whore if there is an age difference... Even worse is that you actually have nothing in common... And yes its true that everyone laughs behind your back.

THOU SHALT GO SHOPPING WITH ARM CANDY ADVISORS

THOU SHALT BUY A PAIR OF BRIGHTLY CLOURED TROUSERS AND STUPID T-SHIRT

THOU SHALT THROW SHAPES ON THE DANCE FLOOR
Yes, you really do look sad if you’re past a certain age and you find yourself dancing to hardcore German Techno and Acidhouse at a disco in a Bangkok nightclub... leave that to the twenty year olds on ecstasy... 

THOU SHALT AVOID THE DETECTION OF YOUR EGOTISTICAL AMBITIONS
We are all guilty of this. Some of the common ambitions are owning a bar in LOS or living here with a twenty year old.
These ambitions sometimes border on the ridiculous. I will own up to having one right now. Mine is to build a flash house in LOS that me and my friends can use. It is a preposterous idea because I am not in LOS for 95% of my life, I can’t really own the property I pay cash for and absentee landlords always get screwed...not to even mention trusting some builder you don’t know...

THOU SHALT INDULGE YOUR INNER MEDICI
I don’t indulge in any art in LOS but I do take plenty of beautiful photos. Some people build beautiful art here like houses and flash hotels and a friend of mine builds bikes. That is his art. Another friend buys furniture and another invests here. That is the best art. My favourite artist Andy Warhol once said : “Business is art and money is art and good business is the best art“...You can indulge in your art very cheaply in LOS.



 

Stickman's thoughts:

Some interesting thoughts and for sure, I strongly agree with maintaining a decent reputation.

The author can be contacted at : bigboylos7@hotmail.co.uk.

The publisher of this website, NOT this article, can be contacted at: stickmanbangkok@gmail.com.