Fantasy & Reality

Reality, in Thailand, is often a like a counter punch. You know it’s out there. When it catches you it’s not entirely a surprise because, in the deep dark recesses of your mind, you’ve seen the peripheral signals. It’s just that you’ve been distracted by the façade of the fantasy world you’ve been living in here in the ‘Land Of Smiles’. We all like the fantasy world because the truth is, reality seems mundane. Fantasy gives us the opportunity to indulge in the world of make believe where we can pretend, or be fooled into thinking, that something is different to that which it actually is.

It’s hard not to feel sorry for them; the naïve, the foolish and the gullible that get taken to the cleaners by a bargirl (aka prostitutes). It all goes pear shaped and then they feel compelled to send in a submission to tell us all about their misadventure. I think that’s one of the attractions of this site; reading the next installment of self inflicted emotional agony. How many times have I read through one and said to myself – ‘you poor deluded bloody fool’. Some of it is quite pathetic really but love, or lust, tends to have that kind of effect on a bloke. The thinking is centered somewhere south of the navel and any kind of common sense, or intelligence, is never part of the equation. Even when the indications of lies and cheating are obvious, there’s a mental block; a refusal to except reality. So, on they blunder, from one fantasy world disappointment to the next.

I was sitting at the open air seafood restaurants on Sukhumvit Soi 7. It was about 6.30 p.m., at that time of the year when daylight hadn’t yet succumbed to the night, the neon hadn’t been switched on and my vision had yet to be distorted by the effects of alcohol. There was plenty of activity with lots of girls making their way to their chosen place of professional interaction. What I found remarkable as they passed by, in the light of day, is how truly unremarkable a lot of them are. There’s no doubt that a combination of booze and low levels of ambient light do wonders for their looks. I remember once going, in a sober state, to the Buffalo Bar in Pattaya; it was early evening and I thought I’d stumbled in to the wrong bar. Some of the girls that I’d considered beauties looked positively nasty.

Personally, I don’t have any problems with what they do to make a living. The fact is that the worlds’ oldest profession provides a valuable service to a lot of lonely guys or those of us who, after a few beers, want a no strings attached session of horizontal folk dancing. Thai bar girls can be fun and entertaining, particularly when you’ve had a few drinks but, the reality is, that’s the sum of it.

At the table next to me sat a guy that I would describe as a newbie. Mid thirties, reasonably fit looking, with what I would describe as a well worn bar girl. From what I could overhear from a conversation with his friend, at the same table, he’d known her for a month and was now planning to take the bus ride up to Nakhon Nowhere to meet the family. It might work out but I just couldn’t help thinking; here we go again; another one heading into fantasy world – I was tempted to pass him the Stickman website address.

I didn’t really have anything in particular planned for the evening; I was just chilling out after another long offshore contract and was quite happy to let things develop as the night went on. I was going to meet ‘Steve’, an old mate of mine from my past days living in Phuket, at Hanrahan’s sports bar on Soi 4. Steve was a teacher who was now working in Bangkok and, I figured, would know the Bangkok bar scene fairly well.

We met up at 8.00 pm and quickly got into gear by ordering a round of drinks. Steve had a couple of mates with him that worked at the same school in Bangkok. One of them, Jason, was fairly new to the LOS. He’d only been here nine months and, from all accounts, had landed a well paid teaching job. Invariably, the conversation moved to our favourite subject; Thai ladies. Jason was young – twenty seven – and was having a great time taking advantage of the odd bit of short time action in the fleshpots of Bangkok. He had a Thai girl friend from a reasonably wealthy Thai family. He had his own apartment but, so far, had managed to avoid letting the girlfriend move in with him. I told him to keep it that way. When he asked why I said that he might want to have a look at the Stickman website and, specifically, a column called ‘It’s time to throw her out’.

“The thing is mate, if she’s a good girl and from a decent family, eventually her parents will put pressure on her, and you, to get married”.

“I don’t think I’m ready for that yet”.

“That’s all the more reason for her not to move in with you. The only reason for getting married is to have kids and that’s exactly what Thai women are conditioned to do”.

“Are you sure? She’s never mentioned anything like that”

“She won’t. It’s a matter of stealth mate and they’re in the master class at being patient. Look, you can’t have your cake and eat it with these good girls. If you marry her, having short times on the side, with bargirls, would be totally unacceptable. The loss of face would be enormous if the family found out”.

“What are you suggesting then?”

“I’m not suggesting anything. I’m saying that if you don’t want to get married and you want to continue playing the field, then you need to make some hard decisions”.

“What about you. Are you married?”

“No. Thankfully I’ve managed to avoid that trap in the fifteen years I’ve been living here”.

“That’s no mean feat. There must have been a one of these beauties that caught your eye enough to want to develop a long term relationship”

“In a moment of weakness perhaps. Fortunately common dog fuck always gives me a reality slap and I came to my senses”

“Jesus, you make it sound as though getting into a relationship with one of these birds is like a prison sentence”

“If you pick the wrong one it can be worse than that. Like I said, the only reason to get married, or to go into a long term relationship, is to have kids. If you’re not going to have children then there’s no bloody point. Particularly in a place like this where there are so many hot looking babes available. The fantasy is the long term loving relationship with a submissive, compliant and subservient Thai woman. Unfortunately, the reality is something totally different. Ninety percent of the time when a farang marries a Thai woman, or any women for that matter, the advantage is never to you. In almost all cases the advantage to the Thai woman is a lift in economic status. The advantage to the farang is insignificant or almost non-existent. Keep your wits about you mate, stay single and you’ll end up with a lot more money in the bank. Not only that, you’ll have a lot more fun in Thailand”.

“You must have a couple of birds there in Pattaya that you spend time with surely”

“Well, I’ve got a couple of giks. Nothing serious though”

“Giks, what are they?”

“Kind of like part time, open ended, no strings attached girl friends that are available for shagging when I need one”

“For a price no doubt. Are they bargirls?”

“Not exactly. They’re freelancers that have got themselves a sugar daddy, or two, overseas sending them a monthly stipend. They hang out at night clubs and pick up guys they like the look of to supplement their monthly incomes. If I feel like a shag I’ll just call one up and have her come around to my apartment for a couple of hours”

“Sounds like a good arrangement. How long are you in Bangkok for?”

“Just tonight. I’m flying down to Phuket tomorrow”.

“Half your luck. What’s going on down there?”

“Not much. I’ll do some surfing and, if the monsoon isn’t too bad, some scuba diving”.

“Where are you staying in Bangers?”

“Down at Novotel on Siam Square”.

“What’s the attraction of that?”

“Freelance Bangkok pussy, my man”

“Where?”

“Mate, you’ve been here nine months and you’re telling me you haven’t been to CM 2”

“No I haven’t. I heard that the prices for the girls down there were well expensive”

“Well I’ll probably pay something in the vicinity of five to six thousand baht for a session with two good looking babes”.

“Jesus, that’s an expensive night”

“I guess it is if you live and work in Thailand, or if you’re a low income earner back in the real world. The fact is though it’s the equivalent of one hundred and seventy dollars. In real terms, that’s chump change for a threesome with a couple of hot Thai babes”

“Shit mate, you’re a bit of a high roller then?”

“Not at all. If anything, I’m well known for being a keeneow bastard. It’s just that I’ve always lived by the code that you get what you pay for. If you want dark skin and stretch marks, you can get that for a thousand baht down at the Nana car park every night. Better quality costs more, that’s the reality of life in the LOS mate. That’s the reality of the pay for pussy scene in Bangkok”.

“You mean the fantasy of a threesome being met by the reality of the price”

“You’re catching on buddy”

“I wouldn’t mind checking out CM2. Is it any good down there?”

“Tonight should be; it’s Saturday. I’m heading down there at about midnight. How about you, what’s your plan for tonight”.

“Well, I’ve got to meet up with the girlfriend at the lounge bar on the ground floor of the Sheraton on Sukhumvit. Before that though, we’re probably going to drop into Rainbow four at Nana Plaza”.

I smiled and thought about that. It’s just a fact of life – there are just so many beautiful women in this country, it’s just about impossible to stick to one. The reality is even if Jason’s got a girl that is the equivalent to Miss Thailand; he’ll still be sniffing around for something else. Welcome to fantasy world Jason.

“I haven’t been to the Sheraton before, do you mind if I tag along” I asked.

“Sure, no problems. We don’t plan to be there until 10 or so”.

We had another couple of drinks and then made our way across to NEP. The last time I was here it was the high season and was absolutely jam packed. The puddles on the ground now told the story; it was the low season and there were a lot less punters around.

We made our way up to Rainbow 4. Inside, it was the same deal; the numbers of oglers were way down. Three months ago I had trouble squeezing my way into the bar. Tonight, we walked straight in and sat down at four empty seats along the dance platform. The girls shuffling around the poles started smiling at us. It’s amazing the change in your status, as a resident expat, when the low season rolls around. Girls who wouldn’t even give you time of day, during December and January, suddenly become very friendly. To be fair to them, they’re just trying to make a living and it’s understandable that they’ll try to maximize their earnings potential at the peak business period. I looked across to my left and noticed a couple of sharks going to work on a guy who was, more than likely, a newcomer to the LOS. There were a bunch of glasses lined up in front of them, including cocktails and shooters. These two ladies were going to do well out of commissions on lady drinks tonight.

We ordered our first round and within a few minutes we had some friendly Isaan girls attending to us. To be honest I really don’t have a lot of interest in young go-go dancers; it’s just eye candy. They’re good to look at but that’s about it. Without exception most of them, under the age of twenty five, have a poor proficiency level when it comes to providing pay for pleasure services. Still, I understand that they’re trying to make a living and if I find one that I’m happy to have sitting on my lap, or giving me a neck massage, I’ll always buy them a couple of drinks.

“Hey mate, this is o.k. isn’t? I wouldn’t mind taking this one for a short time. How about you?” said Jason?

“I can wait. Besides, I don’t really feel like wasting my money on a young go-go dancer”.

“Why do you say it’s a waste of money?”

“Look, the fantasy is that you walk in here and see a whole bunch of young, nubile babes. The booze and the testosterone takes over and you imagine yourself having porn star type sex with one. The reality is that young go-go dancers don’t know squat about providing a decent P4P service. Personally, I prefer freelancers in the twenty seven to thirty age brackets.”

“Why?”

“Because they’ve got something that these girls don’t have; it’s called experience”.

“But a lot of those birds have been in the game for years, aren’t they old and worn out?”

“A lot are but sometimes you find some that are fairly well preserved. I’ve picked up part timers down at CM 2 on weekends, in that age group, and they had fantastic bodies. Not only that, the sex was great”.

“What do you mean by part timers”.

“Girls that either have a normal job during the week, and they’re looking to supplement their income, or girls that have an overseas sponsor, or two, and don’t work all that often”.

“That sounds good; I think I’ll definitely tag along with you tonight”.

“What about your girlfriend down at the Sheraton?”

“I’ll think of something”.

We had another couple of drinks and then decided to pay our check bins, in the anticipated move down to the Sheraton. As we were preparing to leave, I saw Jason getting a phone number from the girl he was with – another one for the little black book.

We’d chosen to make our move at the wrong time; it was bucketing down as we moved out of NEP. There was very little activity out on the street as we hurriedly made our way across Sukhumvit pedestrian crossing to grab a cab.

The cab pulled up across from the Sheraton. We jumped out, into the rain, and sprinted across to the bar. We entered and made our way around to a table where there were a number of Thais and a couple of farang sitting. These were some people that Steve and Jason worked with and one of the farang colleagues was celebrating a birthday.

Introductions were made. There were five attractive Thai ladies. Only two of them were work colleagues. The others, all Bangkok girls, were friends who’d come along for a few drinks. Two of them were absolute stunners. Tall, fair skinned, slim with tits. Not the type of girls you’d find down at NEP. My fantasy was that I’d be doing a threesome with them tonight in a Jacuzzi. The reality was that even though I keep myself in pretty good shape, as a fifty year old, they wouldn’t even give me a second glance. The thing is of course that scenario is not exactly cut and dried. If I was to walk in here wearing Hugo Boss, or Armani, and sporting a gold Rolex, I’d probably get a bit more attention. Thailand is all about image and to Thai people, looking good counts for a lot. The reality is that it’s so bloody superficial. You could be the world's greatest asshole but, if you’re dressed to the nines in this country, you’ll accorded high esteem. Vanity is the Thais’ biggest weakness.

I was sitting next to Jason. I said “who are those two Thai guys?”

“They’re teachers as well. We don’t really say a lot to each other. I don’t think they really like us”.

“Oh, why’s that.”

“I’m not sure. Small dick syndrome, I suppose.”

“Oh for fuck's sake, you’re taking the bloody piss aren’t you mate.”

“No mate. They see us as a threat. Once their women have had a taste of our bigger dicks, there’s no going back”.

“Sorry mate but that psychological tactic was tried by the yanks during the Vietnam war. It didn’t work.”

“What did they do?”

“They air dropped thousands of very large condoms over North Vietnam. The idea being that, when the North Vietnamese forces saw the size of the condoms they’d be cowed into submission, through feeling inferior to the American soldier, due to the huge difference in penis size”.

“And?”

“Well, as I said, it didn’t work. The yanks left Vietnam with their tales between their legs. Look, forget all that talk you hear about Thai men being no good and Thai ladies not liking them; it’s a load of horseshit. Those young Thai ladies, who come from the North East, don’t end up with older, fat farang because they’ve found the love of their lives. As I said it’s all about economic advantage old sport. Young, attractive Thai ladies with money, such as these, will, more often than not, end up with Thai men of their own socio-economic age group. The truth is that middle class Thai men, such as these, generally don’t respect us very much.”

“Why’s that.”

“Because they see us as being emotionally weak and stupid”.

“Really?”

“Go figure. They can’t understand why farang, more often than not, end up with what they see as the dregs of Thai womanhood. How often do you see westerners with brown skinned, worn out slappers from some beer bar. They just don’t understand it. Not only that, they just don’t comprehend how we can be stupid enough to give them vast amounts of our personal wealth.”

“Yeah but it’s only the sad fuck beer bar losers that end up like that, isn’t it?”

“You’d like to believe it but the reality is that some of those rice farmers’ daughters end up with wealthy old guys.”

“Why’s that?”

“Why? Because they’re waiting for them to die so they can inherit the lot.”

“Surely they all can’t be that blatant.”

“Not all of them, mind you, but you’ve got to wonder what the real motives would be for some twenty something year old Thai girl to be married to a farang that’s thirty to forty years her senior. A couple of months ago I was at a sauna in Pattaya and a retiree I know, who’s there most days, told me that a friend of his Thai wife asked him if he knew of any seventy year old man she could marry. If that’s not blatant, tell me what is?”

“Why would any guy fall for that?”

“Desperation, loneliness, emotional insecurity, the need to be wanted. Who knows? So many guys that come over here allow their little head to do the thinking for them. Instead of being patient and waiting to find a classy looking good girl, they get into a relationship with the first bargirl they meet that has the carnal skills of a lady from the Eden Bar.”

“What’s the Eden bar?”

“Anal sex and threesomes.”

“Where’s that?”

“Between Soi seven and Soi eleven. The thing about these good girls though is that a lot of them are about as interesting as drying paint. I mean, look at this lot. They’re the equivalent of Asia’s blondes. Bloody air heads. Their main priorities in life are shopping trips to MBK, or Paragon; the latest round of gossip, on their new mobile phones, and their next helping of Thai food”.

“Hey, what are you two talking about?” It was Steve.

“I was just giving Jason a few helpful tips about living in this fair land.”

“I’ve got fairly good idea what that means. I’d like you to meet a work friend of mine”

Steve was sitting with a very cute looking Thai lady, a bit shorter than the other two but with great curves. I got the impression that she might have been something more than just a friend, to Steve.

“Tell me something about Steve” she said with that beautiful Thai smile.

I was about to blurt out ‘well he’s hung like a rogue bull’, when I caught Steve’s eye giving me a look which basically said ‘don’t fuck this up’. It was then that I noticed that the other Thai girls had leaned a little closer to hear what I was about to say – another fresh snippet of gossip to entertain themselves with for hours on end. How does it go, there’s three ways of spreading a story around Thailand; telephone, telegram and tell a Thai.

I thought for a few seconds. “Something about Steve. Let me see. Okay, Steve plays rugby and he’s got lots of stamina.”

Jason, Steve and the other farangs started laughing. The Thais just sat there with a puzzled look on their faces. In fairness, they probably didn’t understand the word stamina. Then I realized that there was a loss of face situation unfolding because we were laughing and they weren’t. There was the possibility that they’d see it at as a joke at their expense. To redirect the situation, I jumped up and said “right, what do you want to drink, it’s my shout”. The Thai smiles returned.

“Hey Jason, where’s your girlfriend gone to?” I asked.

“Off to the dance floor. She’s got the hump; she’s not talking to me.”

‘Why’s that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Don’t worry about it. She’s probably needs, or wants, something and is using the silence tactic to soften you up.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because that’s part of the game they play mate. It’s called emotional manipulation and, they’re masters at it.”

“What should I do?”

“Nothing. Do what Thai males do; carry on as though there’s nothing wrong. Just enjoy yourself.”

“But won’t that get her more pissed off.”

“More than likely. She’ll probably move up to sulking before too long.”

“What do you mean by ‘what Thai males do?”

“Farang give in far too easily to the emotional shenanigans of Thai women. Thai men don’t put up with that crap.”

“How do they handle it?”

“By being assertive and letting them know who’s in charge. Look, I don’t condone any of that business of hitting women; it’s a cowardly thing to do. What you’ve got to get your head around is that Thailand is run by men. Forget the political correctness of the western world mate; this is still a bastion of male chauvinism”.

“Yeah, but what can I do?”

“Get some balls and tell her what you’re going to do. If she doesn’t like it, Tough.”

“How?”

“You said that you wanted to go to CM 2.”

“Yeah.”

“Tell her that you’re going for a few drinks with the boys and if she wants, she can call you tomorrow.”

“She may not agree to that.”

“It’s not a matter of asking mate, it’s a matter of telling.”

“But what if she doesn’t call tomorrow?”

“She will but, even if she doesn’t, you win anyway.”

“Why?”

“Because if she doesn’t; you’ll just carry on playing the field and enjoying yourself. If she does, then you’ve assumed the dominant position; she’s come to you. If you cave in and call her first then she’ll know that she’s in control. The bottom line mate is that you’re in the box seat. You’re young, you’re fit, you’ve got a well paid job and, she knows it.”

“That’s a bit of a hard assed attitude isn’t it?”

“Live here long enough mate and you’ll eventually learn that it’s the only attitude to have with Thai women. Niceness is seen as a weakness to be exploited”.

“Is that how you deal with them?”

“Years ago I had a couple of short term relationships. It was always the same old shit; they wanted money, above and beyond what we’d agreed on, or gold. One time when I refused to buy gold for a girl, she told me that she knew I didn’t love her and she was going to find another farang.”

“What happened?”

“I told her that if she waited a few minutes, I’d get dressed and go out and help her find one.”

“No shit, what did she say to that?”

“I never heard that idea mentioned again. The point is, as I’ve said, right from the start you’ve got to let them know you’re not going to put up with any of their bullshit; otherwise it turns into a mess. A lot of guys get into trouble with these girls because they don’t know how to handle them and they end up getting walked all over. Emotional weakness makes them just blunder along from one poor decision to the next.”

“You mean you need to be in control of the situation?”

“Precisely. Guys who aren’t get taken to the cleaners every time by these girls. You’ve got to know what you want. If you just want to butterfly around and enjoy the delights that this country has to offer then, at all costs, don’t get emotionally attached to one of them. Dip your wick and move on, that’s the best policy”.

“You mean I should just continue shagging the girlfriend without worrying too much about a longer term commitment”.

“I’ve already given you my opinion about that”.

“Isn’t that just using her though?”

“That’s one way of looking at it, naïve as it may be. Look, these good girls aren’t as bloody innocent as they make out to be.”

“How do you know that?”

“Trust me, they’ve probably had a couple of Thai boyfriends, during their time at university and, much like their sisters that work in the bars, they’re always looking at their options.”

“You mean that they can have more than one boyfriend on the go, at the same time?”

“If they’re from a wealthy family, probably not. If they’re from a poorer background up North, and the family had to scrimp and save to get them through university, more than likely. In that regard, they’re not that much different to a bargirl, they’ve just got an education and, normally, a bit more pride. They’ll still be looking for the best option available though to support them and their family.”

“Is there anything that’s straight up in this country?”

“Not often. The truth is though that we, more often than not, end up the same way. That’s just the way it is. You adapt to living in the environment your in. If you don’t you’ll get chewed up and spat out. That’s why a lot of us that stay here for a long time can’t go back to where we’re from. We get used to living a life of sensory overload. The fantasy world of living life on the edge. The reality is it’s got a lot to do with the beauty of these women here, they’re almost addictive. The problem is, learning to control the situation so you can enjoy it but not have it spiral out of control.”

“What happens if it spirals out of control?”

“It ends up costing you a lot of money. Not only that, you may find yourself without a penis. Beware of jealous Thai women and sharp knives”.

“No shit, does that happen?”

“Usually to Thai males who have a mia noi or two”.

“What’s a mia noi?”

“A minor wife”.

“You mean like a mistress”.

“Yeah, like a mistress”.

“Is that something that’s common in Thai culture?”

“If Thai ‘soapies’ are anything to go by, then yeah, it’s a part of life in Thailand. The thing is though; it’s not just something that’s seen in the more affluent levels of Thai society. I was down in Songkla a few months ago on a contract. The weather was crap so we had a few days ashore during which, I befriended another so called good girl.”

“Why do you say, so called good girl.”

“She had a farang husband who was overseas working. I picked her up in a local bar and within four hours, I had her back in my hotel room screwing her in every position conceivable. This just goes to prove what I’ve suspected all along about Thai women.”

“What’s that?”

“Thais are a fairly promiscuous lot at heart. This entire conservative, shyness codswallop that you see, even with bargirls – the routine about the lights off and the wearing a towel, is just an act. The bottom line is, at the end of the day, or night, what they really want is for someone to give them a bloody good rogering. Anyway, I’m getting off the subject here.”

“About mia nois?”

“Yeah. Anyway, I went out to a restaurant with her to meet some of her Thai friends and have lunch. There were three Thai couples there and only one of them was a legitimate husband/wife combination. The other two Thai blokes had mia nois with them. The thing was that, although they both worked for a local oil company and their incomes were better than the Thai average, I was a bit surprised to see that they could afford a mia noi’. The other thing was that no one gave a rat's backside that I had someone else’s wife with me.”

“How do you know that she wasn’t a bargirl though?”

“The car she drove, her educational level and the fact that she had a business of her own. As I said earlier, don’t let the fact that they’re educated fool you into thinking that they aren’t keeping their options open. If the price is right, they’ll be up for it. Before I left Songkla, I picked up another so called ‘good girl’. She was a teacher, on a salary of nine thousand baht a month. She spent the whole night with me and the sex was great. It was a bit like being with an enthusiastic amateur. I paid her three thousand baht in the morning and you should’ve seen the look on her face.”

“Like what.”

“Like she’d just won a lottery.”

“But doesn’t that just make them a hooker.”

“Not really. They don’t see it the same as in the west. I’ve had Thai girls tell me that they can’t understand why western women would do it for free, ‘have they no pride’. You see, in this fair land pussy is a commodity; it’s got a price. Even bargirls tell you as much. The problem is that most farang don’t seem to get it.”

“Get what?”

“Those bargirls are just doing their job and, to be fair to them they, quite often, will inform you of that. They come to the bar, or go-go, doll themselves up in make-up and skimpy gear, do their shift and then head home to their Thai boyfriend. If they’ve been working a good routine during their shift and have snagged a farang, they’ll go off to the farang's hotel, after which, they’ll go back to their room and the Thai boyfriend. The thing that most farang fail to understand is that these girls are still just doing a job and the purpose of their job, as with any other job, is to maximize their earnings potential through any means possible, fair or foul.”

“You mean it’s all just an act.”

“Go to the top of the class my friend. Never lose sight of that reality.”

“But if you see it for what it is, doesn’t it become boring?”

“It does, but when you enter into a place like NEP, Walking Street, or any nightlife scene in Thailand for that matter, always keep in mind that you’re heading into fantasy world and that nothing is for real. Much the same as the whole country.”

“Nothing’s for real?”

“Pretty much, unfortunately. It’s chaotic, disorganized and nothing, for us, is certain apart from the fact that the sun rises in the East. It used to annoy me but now, I just don’t care anymore. It’s like fantasy world and, once you get used to life in fantasy world, there’s no going back to the real world is there?”

“Why?”

“Because it’s too bloody boring mate. Like I said, it used to annoy me but I’ve learned to accept it for what it is – fantasy world, and now, I just go with the flow”

“It sounds like you’ve just given up.”

“It’s not really about that, it’s just accepting that we’re foreigners; that this is their country and, regardless of what we say or do, they’ll just continue on doing things in the Thai way. It’s easier to swim with the current than against it. It always makes me laugh when I see a letter from some disgruntled farang, in the Bangkok Post, complaining about poor service or being scammed.”

“Why’s that?”

“Complete waste of time, that’s why. Thais couldn’t give a rat's backside about the complaints of a disgruntled farang. Like I said, it’s their turf and, as much as we don’t like to admit it, we’ve got no rights. And besides, there’s enough farang self styled experts on all things Thai out there without me adding to the arrogant, judgmental opinions by foreigners of this country”.

“Isn’t everyone entitled to an opinion though?”

‘True enough. The problem is though that you get groups of bored, long term expats who have little better to do with their time than form knitting clubs (website forums) and sit around and pass judgment on anyone, who’s opinion of how things are in this country doesn’t match theirs. The thing that makes me laugh though is that if these self styled experts were half as good as they imagine themselves to be, they wouldn’t be living in Thailand, would they?”

“You mean they’re a bunch of boring old farts and losers?”

“Boring old farts? More than likely. Losers? I probably wouldn’t go that far because, despite the chatter you hear around the place, there’s actually some farang that are quite successful in making a life for themselves over here. The reality is though that most of the successful ones you never hear boo from”.

“Because they don’t want to attract unnecessary attention to themselves?”

“That and the fact that they’re not pissed off with the world. They’re usually quite happy with their lot in life and in Thailand. Like I said earlier, the longer you stay here, the harder it is to go back to where you come from. Eventually you get to a point where there’s really nothing to go back to. You don’t really know anyone, apart from your immediate family, and, if you’re in the twilight years of your working life, how the fuck do you get a decent paying job? Having said that though, even if I had the opportunities and the income stream to go back, I don’t think I would”.

“Why?”

“Because it’s as boring as bat shit over there that’s why. Suburban neurosis and the thirty year mortgage, no thanks. Over here there’s never a dull moment in fantasy world, that’s why. The trick is knowing, and understanding, the difference here between fantasy and reality. It’s a bit like turning a switch on and off”.

“How do you do that?”

“Well sitting here I know I’m with people who’ve generally got their shit together. You guys have got decent jobs and a profession. In other words, there’s no pretense or bullshit. When I go to CM 2 later I’m entering into a fantasy world where everything is a charade. I’m aware of that so I’ll turn on my charade switch as well. I’ll be as big a bullshit artist as all the ladies that are in there because, at the end of the day, their whole M.O. is just a scam. When I’ve finished getting what I want, I’ll turn the switch off and go back into reality mode”.

“Sounds like you’ve got a dual personality”

“Not really. As I said it’s just about reality and fantasy. Fantasy is all an act and you can be whatever you want to be. Those birds can pretend they’re something other than prostitutes and I’ll pretend that I’m a brain surgeon. At the end of the day, all they want is their fee and all I want is to do the business. After they leave I can go back to getting on with the things that really matter in life”

“Like what, getting pissed and getting laid”

“No mate. More like looking after number one”

“Fantasy and reality aye?”

“Absolutely. When you understand that you can have a lot of fun. I mean think about it; in few minutes I’m going to leave here and head down to a nightclub, pick up a couple of hot looking babes who’re at least half my age, and head up to my hotel room for a threesome for a couple of hours, for a princely sum of about five to six thousand baht. Like I said, never a dull moment.”

“Who’s going to CM 2?” It was Steve.

“I was considering it, after I’ve finished this drink.”

The music wasn’t loud but it was enough to drown out a conversation more than a couple of feet away. Steve had raised his voiced just enough to be heard by the others on the couch along from me. One of the white skinned Bangkok beauties turned, looked me straight in the eye and asked “why are you going to CM 2.”

I’d had just enough to drink to make me belligerent and I was really tempted to say something like ‘because I don’t think there’s much chance I’ll be having a threesome with you and your friend tonight’. Always smile, regardless of whatever situation you’re in with Thais, because it’s the best means of defence. The girl in front of me had attitude. I was trying to assess what she represented before answering her. Was she a hi-so, stuck-up cunt or just a wannabe hi-so, stuck-up cunt? I figured the latter so I thought I’d just play along and see where things would go. No doubt she was fully aware of what the deal with going to CM 2 was. I just wasn’t sure what her angle was. She was still staring at me and smiling, willing me to make a fool of myself I suppose and that way, she could reinforce what her and her friends probably think about the average farang – we’re all bloody sex maniacs which, to be completely honest, is something close to the truth anyway.

“Well, I’m going to meet a couple of ladies there.”

“Really. Are they ladies from Bangkok or ladies from Isaan?”

By now everyone in the group had focused on our conversation. My interrogator was still looking squarely at me.

“I don’t know. I guess I’ll see what’s available when I get there.”

“Oh, so you’re going shopping, like going to the supermarket.”

“Something like that.” The analogy of going to a meat market wasn’t far off the mark.

“Well, you must be careful about what you buy.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because a lot of those ladies are not good quality, they’re ‘Sokaprok’.

By now I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable and, to be honest, I wasn’t sure where this conversation was heading. She continued: “You know, I have a friend who is a doctor and has clinic at On Nut. Most of the ladies that go to his clinic are bargirls. He tells me that ninety percent of them have nong nai. You know what nong nai is?”

“No I don’t”.

“nong nai is Thai for Gonorrhea”.

“Okay. I’m always careful though, I use a condom”.

“Do you know that some ladies have infection in their mouths? Lady with nong nai is not the same as a man”.

“How is that?”

“Because they can have it in their body for a long time with no visible sign”.

I was starting to feel a bit deflated and my visions of a threesome, with a couple of ladies from CM 2, were taking a battering. I had to admit though that what my educated acquaintance was telling me was quite possibly correct. I remember getting a mild dose of the clap a few years ago. I always use protection so I was at a loss to explain where I’d picked up the infection. It was only later that a couple of mates told me that it was possible to get a dose from a blow job – all that was required was for the lady to carry the infection in her mouth. Another thing that I’ve always been conscious of is that bargirls are, generally, not all that healthy anyway. The hours they keep and their lifestyle – the booze, drugs and cigarettes – doesn’t exactly promote good health. It’s something similar to a long term night shift worker and eventually it takes its toll on their physical and emotional well being. After a few years on the game, most of them look pretty rough and their immune systems aren’t the best. A lot of them have always got some kind of ailment; a cold or the flu.

“You know, a lady with nong nai can catch another infection more easily”.

“You mean like H.I.V.”

“Yes, but also like Hepatitis B & C”.

I thought back to the time, years ago, when I’d first come to Thailand. I did something quite foolish; I had unprotected sex with a bargirl and ended up with a dose of the clap. That didn’t worry me as much as what else I might have picked up. I spent three months sweating before I got back a negative H.I.V. test. Whenever I read something written by a farang talking about bare back sex with a bargirl, my immediate thoughts are; here’s another one that likes Russian roulette. The reality is that it may well be that a bargirl is uninfected but, knowing that ninety nine percent of them are inveterate liars; who, in his right mind is willing to take the risk of believing what they tell you.

“Hey Mike, are you still going to CM 2?” It was Jason, who was now cuddled up next to his girlfriend. Obviously, she’d got what she wanted.

“Having second thoughts about it are we mate”, it was Steve.

“I’m not in a hurry. I think I’ll order another drink”.

“Are you still going to CM2”.

It was the wannabe hi-so, stuck-up cunt. I checked my watch, it was eleven thirty.

“Probably. I’ve got nothing else planned” I said.

“Are you feeling hungry?”

I looked at her and smiled, a carnal thought running through my mind. “Now that you mention it, yes. Why?”

“Well we’re going to Suan Lum night market later to get something to eat. Do you want to come?”

“Maybe. How do we get there?”

“I’ve got my car here”.

“Okay. Who else is going?”

“Well, if you want to come, there will be you, me and my two friends”.

I smiled and said “that sounds like fun”.

The reality was though that, having lived in Thailand for fifteen years, I’d become a master of deception, much the same as the Thais. Just like them, I could project the same false smile but mask what I was actually thinking. And what I was thinking you didn’t need to be Einstein to work out. Having been to Suan Lum previously, I knew the price for a seafood meal was a lot more expensive than eating at some other places I’d eaten at in Bangkok. The routine would be that the three Thai ladies, thinking that I was just an ignorant farang, they would fill themselves up on seafood and then expect me to pay the bill. A devious plan began to take shape in the back of mind.

A few minutes later Steve and Jason decided to call it a night and they were heading home with what I thought would probably be their future wives. The ladies they were with already knew that, it’s just that Steve and Jason didn’t. This just reinforced what I’d come to know in the years of living in the LOS – the power of Thai pussy is an amazing thing.

As we walked up the car park ramp I would have to admit I wasn’t getting overly excited. A lot of guys, given the same situation, would think they were about to fulfill their greatest fantasies. I’d been living here long enough to know that nothing is ever as it appears in this country. Walking towards the car I had time to reflect on a couple of things I’d noticed and I was getting suspicious. A couple of these ladies had small tattoos on their shoulders – is that something that a good girl would have? There were other things that didn’t add up either – they all drank like there was no tomorrow and the one I’d been in erstwhile conversation with seemed to know far too much about sexually transmitted diseases for my liking. They were also dressed in a far too revealing way to be good girls. All were in tight jeans and tight tops – not what you’d consider at all to be conservative. The more that I thought about it the more I got the feeling that these girls were university students who had money, through one means or another, and were out for a good time or, if the price was right, weren’t shy about providing a bit of freelance action.

The car was a late model Toyota and as we drove down the ramp and out onto Sukhumvit Road, the routine interrogation started.

“Are you living in Bangkok, Mike”.

“No, I’m living in Phuket?” I actually live in Pattaya.

“Do you have a business in Phuket?”

“No, I’m retired”. I’ll probably be working for another ten years before I retire.

“Have you got a house in Phuket?”

“No, I’ve got a condo near the beach”. I’ve actually got a condo in Pattaya.

“Wow, you must be rich”.

“I’m doing okay”.

I’m not rich. I just have a job in an industry that pays very well. I don’t work in Thailand and never will. I work in a global industry that will fly me to work anywhere in the world, at a moment's notice. For eight months work a year I get paid USD 200K. My only reason for living in Thailand is tax avoidance.

We engaged in more small talk as the car continued down the road into the dampness of the night. As I suspected, all the girls were university students and in their early twenties. The one driving was studying political science Thammasat. They were also, from what I could deduce, good time girls. They enjoyed clubbing and drinking on weekends and, no doubt, probably picked up the odd farang for a bit of cash every now and again. We turned left at the junction of Sukhumvit and Wireless Road, and sped off towards Suan Lum. I looked out into the rain soaked night and smiled. This whole thing with Thai women is like a bloody game. Most of the time they control the game. For old hands like me though we’d seen the game so often that it wasn’t really a contest anymore. In Thailand, pussy is a commodity and, just like any other commodity, the better the quality, the higher the price. Thai men understand it and don’t have issues with it. That’s why rich Thai men have mia nois and giks. That’s why Thai female superstars have their price. That’s why big shot Thais paid superstars one million baht for a couple of hours of short time action. That’s why young Thai female pop singers get paid 120 million baht as ‘sin soht’. That’s why elite male Thai sports men get to go with top line Thai penthouse models. I get it as well. If you want beautiful, sexy Thai women to thrust into, then it costs money. The longer you want them, the more it costs. That’s the simple equation.

The car turned into Suan Lum night markets. I checked my watch; it was eleven forty five pm. Most of the hawkers’ stalls were rolling down the shutters. We cruised slowly down one of the small streets checking out the restaurants. As luck would have it we stopped in front of one that I’d been to fairly recently. I knew the layout of the restaurant. The three girls jumped out all very excited. I chuckled inwardly. In roughly half an hour they would have a completely different demeanor.

Pam, the one that was driving, linked her arm through mine as we approached the doors to the restaurant. A waiter guided us through and we all sat down at a large table in the middle of the dining room.

“Heuw maak” said one of the girls.

They were all happy and, no doubt, ready to order a large amount of food. The waiter, standing near the table, was probably wondering what kind of fool this older farang was to be bringing three young Bangkok girls to a late night restaurant at Suan Lum. A round of drinks was ordered. The girls then started ordering in earnest. Steamed fish with lemon and garlic, grilled lobster and barbecued prawns. Another ordered a plate of mussels while I just sat there sedately and smiled.

Ten minutes after arriving, and after a couple of pulls on my beer, I excused myself to go to the toilet. Having been here before I knew that the toilets were behind the restaurant. To get to them you had to exit the restaurant through a side door and walk to the back end of the building. There was a narrow path between the rear wall of the restaurant and the entrances to the toilet block. I followed the path as it continued back up along the opposite restaurant outer wall, to that which I’d exited from, and emerged out onto the road approximately twenty meters from where the car was parked. The rain had stopped so I legged it as fast as I could back out to the main road. As I approached the curbside a taxi was coming down the road so I flagged him down. I reached for the rear door, checked my watch and noted that barely three minutes had elapsed since I took my leave. I opened the door and barked out “Novotel on Siam Square”. The driver looked up and said “two hundred baht”. I nodded and climbed in. In another couple of minutes there was going to be some very pissed off university students. The fact is that I didn’t give a shit. They were quite prepared to try and use me up for whatever they could get.

I looked out the window at Lumpini Park and my thoughts drifted off while the taxi driver prattled on in Thai, and broken English, about Thaksin. This country, for foreigners, is an enigma. We get drawn into its surrealism. The fantasy world of the easy life, of mai pen rai and readily available sex, with beautiful young women, while never really understanding, or knowing, what this country is about or what it really stands for. The cold hard reality is that it takes and takes and offers very little of substance in return. Many a disillusioned farang has joined the Pattaya flying club once the fantasy, and the money, ended. The cold hard reality is that Thailand is a money culture. Cash is king. Living in Thailand equates to a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you eat. Eventually the reality hits you; to live well in Thailand you need money and plenty of it. Another reality is that most of the locals here, particularly in Bangkok, will have very little interest in you if have no money. I wonder what percentage of farangs’ Thai wives would leave if the farang suddenly said “I’m not giving your family anymore money”. When you get beyond the fantasy and see the reality, the interest wanes. Even with a lot of the women there’s a façade that, once pulled down, leaves you wondering what there is beyond their ability to satisfy you in a horizontal position. There are so many guys that come here that never get beyond the fantasy. A real pity because, when you do, you find that there’s a hell of a lot of things out there that can be enjoyed, that don’t involve the constant need to be in a horizontal position with a Thai women.

The taxi pulled up in front of the Novotel. I paid the driver and stood in front of the stairway down to CM 2. I turned on the switch and descended the stairs towards the entrance. Looking beyond the cashier, as I paid my entrance fee, I could see that the place was packed and the music was pumping. As I approached the bar a couple of tall, hot looking babes looked and smiled in my direction. I smiled back and ordered a beer. One of the tall babes sidled up next to me.

“How are you?” she said.

“I’m very good. And you?”

“I’m fine thank you. Where you come from?”

“I come from England”

“Really. What you do in England?”

“I’m a Brain Surgeon”