Love Lost?

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I’ve been lurking around Stickman for awhile now. It’s been about a year, I guess. I always wondered about the stories of betrayal and heartbreak and thought no way could that happen to me. As it turned out, I was wrong. My story is not so much the same, other than the end result, as the many stories I’ve read here. I’m not sure why I even want to tell it. I suppose it might be cathartic.

Work took me to Thailand. Otherwise, I would have had no desire to go there. I guess I should mention that I’ve already returned home but we’ll leave out exactly where home is. It would not be inaccurate to say that I had no interest in any little brown skin girl when I got there. I won’t go so far as to say I’m a racist but I make no apologies for the fact that, until that point, I wouldn’t have looked at a girl if she weren’t big and blonde. And not some bleached bimbo. I work in a shallow industry. It’s a land of phony, plastic people. I like to think that I’m not that way but I’ll skip the introspective for now. I’m behind the scenes but, even there, looks count for almost as much as anything. It’s hard to bite the hand that feeds you but, some times, I wish I could just walk away from it. I spent a, mostly fun, year and a half in Bangkok. I’m a social drinker. It helps with the work I do. After awhile, even that was tiresome. I was lonely and I was homesick. More than anything, I longed for the pleasure of a good woman. Unfortunately for me, blonde Amazonian women were few and far between in Bangkok.

Someone from work, a Thai whom I liked, had repeatedly tried to set me up with a friend. For the longest time he kept at me. He had this friend who was really special. I would like her, he was sure of it. One day, because I figured I had nothing else to lose and figured it was the only way to get him to shut up, I agreed to meet Nok. She was gorgeous. I work in an industry of gorgeous women and she would have held her own, in that regard, with any of them. Great, I thought. Now I have one more plastic phony to deal with. I was pleasantly surprised to find that she wasn’t. She was warm. She was witty. Her English, like her skin, was flawless. With no makeup whatsoever, she looked as good as any model. I looked and looked, really wanting to see a flaw but I just couldn’t find one. Even if I didn’t like her, I could appreciate her beauty. We had fun together so we kept seeing one another. It started out innocently enough, all platonic. Three months in, things started to get serious. I’m not sure what happened to me but, at that point, I think a blonde Amazon wouldn’t have turned my head. How did that happen?

Up until this point, we had not slept together. I’ve no doubt I could have slept with her if I had wanted. It’s not like either of us was a virgin. Some of you might think I’m stupid. To each his own is a motto I like to live by. I’ve been through the party stage and, frankly, it no longer holds any allure for me. I need an emotional bond as much as a physical one, probably more so. So, now, where to go from here? I wanted full STD screens. Off we go and we both test clean. This is the six month mark. I’ve got one year to go. Things run along smoothly. I can’t believe it. I’ve heard so many stories. If I had read Stickman before getting to Bangkok, there’s no telling what horrible things might have been going through my head. Another three months in and we get re-tested. We’re both clean. One more time after another three months and I think it’s safe to say we were both really disease-free.

I started the paperwork to bring Nok to my home country. Once I got her there, if she liked it and could live there, I planned to marry her. But would she hold up well in the cold? That was my main concern. She never showed the least bit of jealousy or concern for my work so that relieved me of a great burden. There was no way things would work out between us if I always had to reassure her that she was the one.

We ran into a few snags with the paperwork. It was nothing major but it was enough to slow it down and I ended up leaving Thailand before we had her approval. It ended up taking another three months. We were in constant communication throughout that time and it seemed as if we weren’t even apart. Finally she arrived. We decided that we would give it six months to see how she would cope. In the mean time, we started having sex. I have to say that, after so long, it felt really good to be intimate with someone again. It took a little while but she adjusted to the weather ok. There was a small Thai community in the general area so she wasn’t completely isolated. I didn’t see how things could be any better. Of course, I also didn’t see how bad things were going to get. Mid-way into this six month period, we decided we would go ahead with the wedding. We started making general plans but we wanted to wait a little longer than the six months because we wanted to wait for warm weather. Maybe she really didn’t want to wait. I’m now not so sure but she agreed with me.

Two more months and I thought that taking the assignment in Thailand had turned out to be the best decision I ever made. Then the bottom fell out. One day my dick was sore to the touch. There was no pain or burning with urination so I didn’t think too much of it. Some reddening where it hurt. I thought maybe it was a friction burn or something. Then the blisters came. In my mind, I already knew what it was but I went to get tested just to be sure. The doctor takes one look and says “herpes”. He suggests a full work up because, as he said, where there’s one, there’s usually others. Thank God he was wrong on that point. Blood tests confirmed that it was herpes and, of course, I’ll have to get tested again later for HIV. Why couldn’t I have been lucky enough to get syphilis or something that could be cured? Now there’s no way around it... I had to confront Nok. I started to re-evaluate all of our time together. Even wanting to kill her, I could not find one thing in her behavior to indicate that she had betrayed me. I never had a clue. The biggest question I had was “Why?” Why, when I was bringing her to my country, planning to marry her as long as she felt she could live there.... why would she do something to jeopardize that? Can anyone tell me? Her answers, at the time, made no sense and hers was not the only betrayal.

Naturally, when I first confronted her, she denied everything. So how did those blisters get on my dick, I wondered. She said maybe I had been with one, or more, of the girls I worked with. Now, on top of everything else, she decides to make accusations. Fine, I said. Have it your way. It’s time to pack your bags because you need to go home. I’ve never seen somebody cry so much. She was begging and pleading for another chance. Even though I wanted to kill her, I didn’t like seeing her like that. Still, how could I give her another chance? I’m sorry but some things just can’t be forgiven. I had no intention of giving her another chance but told her we needed to talk. I needed to understand why she had betrayed me. Not that understanding would really help. Still, I had to know. According to her, after I left Bangkok, she wasn’t sure whether or not I was really going to bring her out of Thailand. She wasn’t sure I really loved her. So she had ended up with an old boyfriend. Naturally, he had to be a farang. She swore it was only once and she realized how stupid she had been. She made a mistake. She begged for another chance. I pounded on her for a couple of hours and she never shook from that story. Then I wondered if I could forgive her. Then I thought no way. Then I wondered again.

After our long heart-to-heart discussion, I decided I would not send her home immediately. Immediately, meaning the next day. It’s not like it required much to send her home. I just had to call the airline and change the return date. I needed time to cool off though. I wanted to talk to my buddy Dave. A funny thing happened after I talked to Dave. He made himself real scarce. He started avoiding me. That’s when I was certain she hadn’t told me the truth. Not all of it, in any case. How could I know if anything she had ever said had been the truth? So, once again, it’s time for a talk. I told her about Dave and I told her what I thought. Then I told her I wanted the truth this time. I convinced her it was not in her best interest to lie to me again. She tells me the first part was true. There was the old BF but it was once and she realized it was a mistake. Maybe she really had been a little jealous and insecure about my work and maybe that contributed to it. As for Dave, yes, something had happened with him too. That was because I was working late for one long stretch of time and she thought I was really doing something with one of the girls from work. As soon as the wedding date was set, and it was clear that I was making the commitment to her, she broke everything off with Dave. I don’t know if she thought that last remark was supposed to make it better. Then she cried some more and she said she wouldn’t return to Thailand. I told her I wasn’t really concerned whether or not she went back as long as she realized she would be leaving my house and I didn’t want to see you again. Surprisingly, there was no violence or smashing things on her part. That seems to be a central theme in the stories I’ve read here. She just cried and pleaded for another chance. How could I possibly give her one? Had it been only the thing in Thailand, I would have at least entertained the notion of forgiving her but, in my heart, I know I wouldn’t have. With Dave thrown in to the mix, I couldn’t even half-heartedly consider it.

What of Dave? We haven’t spoken since. If he isn’t the one that gave her the herpes, I hope to hell he got it too and I hope he has frequent, painful outbreaks. I just feel bad for his wife. Yes, the bastard is married with two little kids. For half a second, I thought about telling her but I couldn’t do it. She thinks she has such a wonderful marriage. I will say, in the many years I’ve known Dave, prior to this, I’ve never known him to cheat on her. Nok was irresistible. That’s no excuse for what he did but, in a way, I can understand it. Of course, not enough to ever be on speaking terms with him again. I did send him one SMS and then I washed my hands of him. I know they are planning a third child. I told him he better go get tested and, if he’s positive, that he better get her tested too. There are implications for the baby and no need for them to start off paying for someone else’s irresponsibility. He responded that he was sorry it had happened and wondered if we could talk. I never responded.

Shortly after that, I sent Nok back to Thailand. I’ve heard from the guy who set us up and he said he was sorry she couldn’t stand the cold weather. He still thought we were perfect for one another. I’ve never bothered to tell him otherwise. The funny thing is that we’ve kept in touch. She wrote me a long letter and I think it was the most honest she had ever been. The emotion in it was so real. I wrote her back and we’re actually on friendly terms, if you can believe that. It’s been about six months now since I sent her home. From her letters, I see a side of her I hadn’t seen before, one she never let me see. I think I’ve fallen in love with her all over again. Am I stupid, or what?

I have always felt in cases like this that you have to look closely at what happened and decide if it was truly a mistake or if that it was simply the person's character to do that. If it was a genuine mistake, PERHAPS one can forgive. But in my experience seeing this sort of thing happen in relationships, in the vast majority of cases it is not an error at all, but symbolic of the person's character.