PSSA Newsletter - February 2007

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Dear PSSA Member,

We write to you in the good spirited vibe that the PSSA is renowned for all over the world so as to clarify our position and to remind our privileged members of our commitment to providing a 'sanukful' environment while they vacation in Pattaya.

We would like to inform you that due to the unprecedented growth in PSSA membership numbers and the cumulative demands placed on our PSSA staff, certain changes have been implemented. The following will give you an indication of how the PSSA has grown during the past two years and will demonstrate our commitment and dedication to providing a 'sanukful' environment for members while they vacation in Pattaya.

Our Classic PSSA 'Standard Membership' Status has now been expanded to include 4 different levels of membership.

First of all, PSSA 'Gold Members' are rewarded as such due to the fact that they have shown their enthusiasm and dedication by inviting at least 3 of their friends to become members within the first 3 months of membership.

Secondly, we have our PSSA 'Silver Members' who have also shown their dedication by inviting at least 3 of their friends to become members within the first 6 months of membership.

Third, our pool of PSSA 'Resident members' is continually increasing and they have also shown their dedication by informing fellow high-flying butter-flying, short stay Farangs the benefits of PSSA membership.

Finally, we have our PSSA 'Affiliate Members' Status for those individuals who prefer to remain Anonymous and for certain indiscretions have become 'jaded' by their experiences or have broken the PSSA Rules and Regulations. The PSSA Rules and Regulations remain the same and will not change. However, there have been some additions. They have been included in this Newsletter as a Reference.

Our PSSA membership numbers have grown exponentially since we last sent you our PSSA Handbook, dated 18 May 2005, and we are now proud to announce that we have a total of 131,072 PSSA Gold Members, 32,768 PSSA Silver Members, 4,096 PSSA Resident Members and 4 PSSA Affiliate Members.

Further, due to the unprecedented growth and popularity of the PSSA, there have also been some changes to Membership Benefits. We have now expanded our operations in more ways than one. First of all, for PSSA Gold Members, we now have a permanent presence on the Rooftop of the recently acquired PSSA Right Spot Hotel included with the PSSA Swimming Pool, PSSA Cocktail Bar, PSSA Pool Lounge, PSSA Connect Four Tables and our delectable PSSA Comfort Coves. Of course, all these facilities are free for our PSSA Gold Members. No need to mention all the 'stunning' and 'gorgeous' female staff as they all know very well our commitment to 'sanuk'. In return, they are rewarded handsomely by the PSSA.

Secondly, for our PSSA Silver Members, we now have a number of privileges, not excluding: Free-Entry and Free-Choice of participating PSSA Freelancer from the PSSA Marine Disco (another recent acquisition) for every night of their stay in Pattaya, Free Ice Cream at the PSSA Swanson's Ice Cream Parlour (acquired in December 2006), Free 'Shell' on Jomtien Beach, Free 'Erotic Photo-Session' with participating PSSA Freelancer of Choice and finally, Free Entry and Free Drinks at the PSSA Golf-Tournament with Foster Foreskin and a free Hand-Shake with Dr Earnshaw, BSc, PhD. I will also be in attendance.

Thirdly, our PSSA Resident Members are the most privileged of all since they are our most dedicated and active members. They not only receive all the benefits of all PSSA Gold Members but they also enjoy all PSSA Silver Membership benefits. How cool is that huh? In addition, exclusively for our PSSA Resident Members we have created the World's First 'Ready for a Quicky' Service. This special PSSA Service is exclusive to all PSSA Resident members. Please see Appendix for details of this new service.

Finally, all 4 PSSA Affiliate members that have been publicly shamed around the Globe for their perversions and their weaknesses have now agreed to transfer the $10,000 Punishment into the PSSA Bank Account before May 2007. Their Membership Status will be under review by the Board of Trustees and will be revealed in the next PSSA Newsletter.

On behalf of the Board, may we wish you a straight and prosperous future and may you enjoy a 'sanukful' time vacationing in Pattaya.

Kindest Regards,

Mr Randydoolittle,

Board Chairman,

PATTAYA STRAIGHT SNAKE ASSOCIATION HQ,
Beach Road, Pattaya,
Thailand.

Ps. Our former Systems Guy, Mr S. Dog no longer works for the PSSA, a 'Post-It' note was found on his Computer Screen some time ago with the words 'Tell the Perv, I'm not coming back'. Apparently, he took off on a Big Bike in a cloud of dust just as Miss Pooying came back from lunch. Miss Pooying also recently left us after receiving quite a number of indecent proposals by some cheeky Farang. She said "Him short man. Him ding-dong" and just left.

PSSA Handbook Rules & Regulations

Membership of the PSSA must adhere to the following Rules and Regulations without exception:

Section A:

(i) Members must never take an underage person to a hotel room or any other place with the intention of sexual encounters, which not only contravenes the Laws of the Kingdom and International Laws, but is seriously punishable by members of the Association.
(ii) Members should never cause harm or be complicit in causing harm to an under aged person according to the Laws of the Kingdom of Thailand or any other International Law.

Section B:
(i) Members must not be attracted to the same sex in any way. This includes persons of the same sex who are deemed to be 'Lady Boys' or transgender men.
(ii) Members must NEVER undertake the act of sodomy with a person of the same sex. This includes men who are deemed to be 'Lady Boys' or transgender men.
(iii) Members must not provide sexual stimulation to persons of the same sex, and must not receive sexual stimulation from persons of the same sex.

Section C:
(i) Members should treat the soliciting Bar Girls of the Kingdom with respect at all times and be generous at all times.
(ii) Members who physically abuse any of the Kingdom's wonderful Bar Girls (or any other girls for that matter) will be seriously punishable by members of the Association, and by Laws of the Kingdom.

Section D:
(i) Any breach of Section A by any member will be punishable by the Association's members without exception, and by the Laws of the Kingdom and International Laws.
(ii) Any breaches of Section B will be punishable by 1 year's subscription fee and a 5 year ban to membership pending review after 5 years and a fee of US$10,000

Section E:

(i) After due consideration by Board Members this year, snakes of all lengths and sizes will be allowed membership as of May 2005. We welcome ALL members who adhere to our Rules & Regulations.

Section F
(i) Death Threats or Bribes by Affiliate Members will not be tolerated. The FBI have been duly informed of your real identities. Be warned.

Appendix

The 'Ready for a Quicky' Service is where Members are visited at their Pattaya Condos 5 times per day by any of our 4,000 PSSA Participating Freelancers. This service is free of charge.

As I was reading this I couldn't help but feel that Dana had had an influence on this...