What Charlie Did Wrong

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Poor old Charlie. So many readers wrote to tell me what Charlie did wrong, or right, it took a while to get around to this submission. Many thanks to all of you. This follow up is compiled from your responses.

More than one reader said Charlie’s biggest mistake was ever getting off the plane in the first place. Perhaps the best advice offered to Charlie came from “Mr Wallet”, obviously he is related to “Big ATM”, and I quote: “As far as I can tell, Charlie only made one mistake. When he was at the airport, he should've gotten on a plane to Aruba, Maui, St. Thomas V.I., Samoa, Fiji, Freeport, Rio, Las Vegas, or just about any other tourist destination in the world. That way he wouldn't have taken that first dose of 'Thai Crack', the most addictive and ravenous substance known to modern man. But alas it is too late for 'Good Old Charlie'.....he is doomed to a roller coaster life of highs and lows that will surpass even Mt. Everest and Death Valley. All of the mistakes Charlie made afterward pale in comparison to 'The Big One'.”

Never a truer word spoken. Thai Crack really is addictive. But what is worse, it has a debilitating effect on our thinking processes. Have you seen the cartoon depicting men arriving at the airport and checking in their brains at the arrival counter. That is much too close to the truth.

Another reader said that Charlie was going through the usual learning process so many of us have. He pointed out that allowing the girl to negotiate the fares and prices was one of Charlie’s biggest mistakes. Then he offered advice on the best way to avoid getting too emotionally involved and making yourself vulnerable.

“I find being a butterfly is better as there is no contact with them during the day - so no asking for money. You are better off going for a short time or a soapy massage and then get a long time service at night. If you do opt for being a butterfly, make it known to the bargirl so she knows upfront. You don’t have to be arrogant with it though. Buy them a few drinks and have a laugh as well. You are on holiday after all. The girls have a living to make, but at the same time you don’t want to be getting fleeced out of your hard earned cash either.”

Wise words. They should be framed and hung above the urinals in every farang bar in Thailand so that we are constantly reminded not to be stupid. Would it work? Probably not. Who ever said we were smart? We’re here, aren’t we?

The same reader defined ‘butterfly’ for us too: “A person who barhops and sleeps with as many girls as he can.” Yep, going on my experience, that is exactly right. No wonder the girls used to call me a ‘Big Butterfly’. Sadly, these days they are more likely to call me a small moth. Something to look forward to in your old age chaps.

Yet another reader said it wasn’t too late for Charlie to beat a hasty exit, as long as he left Gus here, and he didn’t give her his contact information. Good advice. But what happens when he gets back home? It’s a given that he will still have that beautiful Thai Crack on his mind. When you live in a land where good crack is hard to come by, the Thai version so far away looks even more attractive. I wouldn’t bet on Charlie not working out how to get back here as fast as his hot little leg will take him. Hopefully, he will have learned something and he will be wiser on his second trip.

One reader listed all the mistakes Charlie made:

1. If she demands to go shopping, tell her ‘No’. It’s your choice when to go shopping. You are not an ATM. It’s your money. You decide where and when you want to spend it.
2. Take it easy after getting off the plane if you are jet lagged. Take your time. The girls are not going anywhere, and there are plenty of them.
3. Try not to go bonking on the first day you arrive. Use the time to relax and orientate yourself, especially if this is your first time in LOS.
4. Don’t take a bar girl from Bangkok with you when you go to Pattaya, Samui, Phuket, etc. There are plenty of girls there. Why tie yourself down with just one?
5. When you walk into a bar, don’t buy a drink for a girl unless you want her to sit with you. Usually, the ugly ones will come to you first. Do you really want her? If not, tell her no and then point to a girl you want. If you don’t see any that attract you, don’t buy any drinks.
6. Slow down. There is no hurry. If a girl starts pushing you to take her out of the bar, step back mentally and ask yourself if this is the one you want. Use your big head to think with. Remember, she is only horny for your money.
7. Always tell the taxi driver in Bangkok to turn on the meter. If he refuses and wants to negotiate the price, don’t get in. Just walk away and flag down another one. There are thousands of taxis that will turn on the meter.
8. NEVER let Thais negotiate any price for you, unless you know them really well and you trust them. If you don’t know the girl and she wants to negotiate, remember that she is not on your side. Never let any Thai manage your money. You worked hard for it. You need to look after it.
9. Charlie gave Gus the money to pay the taxi driver when they arrived in Pattaya. She made a poor excuse to keep the change. Big mistake. Charlie should not have let her pay, and after he was stupid enough to do so he should have demanded the change or told her to piss off.
10. Always try to have change whenever you take a taxi. Don’t expect them to give you change. If you are in a taxi, however, and they say they don’t have any change tell him that you will just go to sleep in the taxi until the meter reaches the amount of the note you handed over. He will give miraculously find change right away.
11. Charlie didn’t want to argue with her. He should have thought about what he wanted in advance. After letting her stay the night she didn’t want to go. He let her. That was a big mistake.
12. Charlie took Gus out of the bar for two full weeks. He should have only paid for a single night bar fine instead. She was not his wife. He was going to Pattaya. There are thousands of girls in Pattaya. Why take coals to Newcastle?
13. He should have taken the bus to Pattaya, or at least found out the ‘official’ price for a taxi to Pattaya. The bus is less than 150 baht.
14. When she spoke in a loud voice in the lobby, obviously to embarrass him into shutting her up with more money, he should have told her to piss off. She was obviously a bitch. He rented the wrong whore. Same when she banged on the door. When you are in a bad situation, it’s always better to cut your losses and get rid of the problem. Life is too short. <The reader who came up with this list is spot on, in my book - Stick>

Yet another reader, obviously a confirmed punter, said that Charlie made 100s of mistakes, but he did do one thing totally right. He booked a trip to Thailand in the first place and started a new enlightening in his life. Trust me, just the big step of making up your mind your going to go thru with traveling to another country is huge. I know guys at my work that don't believe the stories I tell them but they are to chicken to go with me. Always an excuse that they don't have the money or time. I say you don't have the money or time NOT TO GO, for after your first time you will wonder why the hell you waited so long to begin with, and will from then on make the time and save the money to go again and again.

Charlie’s number one mistake: I assume he didn't go online and read Stickman or any anything else on Thailand before he even thought about booking his trip. Charlie traveled all that way to Thailand and from what I read didn't seem to have done one minute of research on what he should expect when he got there.

If the number one mistake Charlie broke was not doing research before his trip. The number 1 Rule besides that is what I like to call the “UP TO YOU” rule.

The UP TO YOU rule or the UP TO ME rule is definitely the number one rule to follow when in Thailand, Phils, or anywhere else for that matter. Its My Vacation. Anyone I let into my vacation Is a hired servant. I decide what we shall do and when we do it. In Charlie’s situations the girl was the one making the decisions. This I feel is the biggest mistake you can make when dealing with the girls here. Guys who break this simple rule are going down the path to disaster.

Rule number 2: Don't fall in love with just one. Every bargirl is replaceable within 5 minutes. 99.99 % of them are totally generic to the last one you were with. I have on a few occasions forgotten who I was with when I woke up in the morning because I switched girls so many times I lost track. One night I am with A. The next night I am with O. Besides the physical difference, I can't really tell much of a difference between any of the 100s of Thais I been with. I fall in love with every one of them. But after a day or so I get bored with it all and set off to find a new one. Charlie broke this rule when he barfined the girl for 2 weeks and then he was stuck with her.

So there you have it. Dozens of years of experience and good advice condensed in one submission. If you have read this before your first trip to LOS, print it out and re-read it on the plane at least once an hour. When you walk through Customs and Immigration you will be a wiser man and ready to enjoy the holiday of a lifetime. Just make sure you walk straight past all the touts offering you hotels and taxis. Make your own decisions all the time and you will be fine.

By the way, do you remember the submissions from the Hip-Hop boy? He made even more mistakes than Charlie. But I bet he had a good time too. He’ll be back for sure. It would be interesting to hear from him after his next trip.