Successful Thai Farang Marriage
I love reading many of the stories here on Stick’s page, but as with many others I share a sense of constant amazement at the behavior of many farang men in Thailand. What I mean is the attempt at relationships between farang men and Thai women,
too often bargirls, and the 99%+ chance of failure. First a bit about me and then my point (I’m married to a Thai woman & live in Thailand).
After my divorce from my farang wife of 11 years I spent six or so wild months in the bars and massage parlors of the City of Angels. That sure helped get over my ex!
Tiring of that and not sure I wanted another professional woman after my ex-wife, I ended up dating a secretary who worked for a multi-national company. She was cute, funny and reasonably good in bed, but I expected more honesty than she seemed to believe
in. Turns out she was two years older than she said, and, by the way, also had a kid (no problem with the age or kid, just wanted her to come clean up front). She also told me that I was only the second person she had ever slept with, and
she was 30 then… Sadly this experience seems to fit in with what many on these pages say, but please read on.
Ended that relationship and received a death threat from her friend Noi (“I’m going to kill you and burn your house down”) who also called my friend (“I’m going to kill him and burn his house down”). Needless
to say my friend decided to stop dating Noi.
Wanting a “real” relationship I was determined not to go the bars and so tried internet dating. Not chat rooms, but sites where you can search on things like religion, type of relationship desired, wants kids or not, smoker/non, level of
education, etc.
Bottom line: I dated six 30-something women, all intelligent, well educated (three educated overseas), and reasonably attractive, and only one was losing her hair (she sent me a dated photo).
That was four years ago, I’m now married to one of the six, and we are expecting our first baby soon. She’s great and this is why our Thai/farang relationship works:
- We are generally from the same social class and level of education (both have masters degrees). Look at any research into cross-cultural marriages and these two are always cited as key.
- She’s a professional as am I. When we get home after work we discuss things that are similar to both of us (she has more staff than I do!)
- We both speak our minds. Any issue is discussed without playing games. Many Thai women (and farangs!) I have interacted with play games by trying to make you guess what they are thinking. This is a recipe for disaster and I refuse to play it.
- She keeps her family close enough emotionally but at a safe distance physically, similar to the way most farangs do. This is not my choice, it was her pattern before I met her. I also generally like her family (with the minor exceptions that all families have!). Yes, we provide some support to her family but that is because her father, a lawyer, had a stroke in his late 40s and stopped working. Don’t marry an Asian if you are not willing to help out the family some times.
- I did pay sin sod (dowry) but it was a lot less than I could afford (a third of the cost of her engagement ring). We politely told them in advance how much it was going to be with no negotiation. She hated that it was expected of me, but we did it to give face to her parents. If you can’t be a little flexible don’t marry outside your culture. And also be sure you both agree on matters of money (savings, borrowing, spending habits, etc). It’s even more important here than in Farangland!
- We’re both divorced and that opened our eyes to the challenges of marriage. As far as I can tell neither of us is repeating the mistakes we made in the first marriages. Divorce also makes you think long and hard about what you will and will not compromise, and what you should or should not have compromised.
- The sex is good!
My wife is definitely unusual when it comes to Thais (she’s also part Chinese). I came close to giving up on dating Thais because I thought that I would never find one who could match me well, but I did.
The point I’m making is that you can meet non-bargirls with a little effort but that you have to be even more careful than you would be in your native country when it comes to compatibility. You also have to ask yourself some very tough questions
about what you can accept and what you can not. Keep your eyes open, be a bit flexible, and be comfortable with the amount you compromise or else don’t do it.
Stickman's thoughts:
Great advice.
