Stickman's guide to Bangkok Readers' Submissions
The Broken Man Repaired Part 4
By Phet
Russia Hotel Guide • Art Hotel Moscow • Baltschug Kempinski Hotel Moscow • Borodino Hotel • Cosmos Hotel Moscow Many contributors claim to write these submissions for therapeutic reasons; I declare my motivation for writing is that when I shuffle off this mortal coil, by reading them the executors of my estate will get some idea of where all the money went.
I arrived in Bangkok at the end of May for my fourth visit, but before I recount my adventures I beg the reader’s indulgence for a moment. Many recent submissions have focused on the negative aspects of life in Thailand; in the cause of perspective, allow me to offer a few observations.
Unlike many contributors I am not an Adonis who has women falling at his feet. I am 49 but when I ask Thai girls my age they guess it as 50 with an alarming frequency, which suggests I probably look nearer 60. When I ask the Thai girls, who know me well, if I am handsome, they smile and answer “you are good man for sure but handsome, No!”
I could be accused of being one of the worthless old sods that cannot attract a western woman and use my economic muscle with poor girls in the developing world. I cannot deny I have not had a date with a western woman for over two years.
So on my return to blighty following my last visit in November, fuelled by a confidence that only a trip to Bangkok can impart, I resolved to try my hand again with English women.
Several rejected advances and some unnecessarily nasty put-downs soon dampened my enthusiasm. Internet dating proved just as disturbing. A glance at the pretentious profiles, the list of requirements and unrealistic expectations submitted by English women evokes a feeling of despair. It did not take many encounters to establish that when women claim to have a “wicked sense of humour” it actually meant they have found new and scathing put-downs for us worthless creatures.
My experience with the daughters of Isaan had probably spoilt me for western women forever; it had certainly reduced my threshold of patience for accepting their capricious self-centeredness and meanness of spirit.
After six months I had my epiphany and realised, that a relationship with a western woman (which I was so ardently pursuing) was the very last thing I wanted.
Before I am dismissed as a misogynist, I must explain, I have never had problems with intelligent western women. I number many professional females amongst my friends. My best friend (Pip’s daughter) is an alarmingly intelligent and strikingly beautiful young woman. Throughout my career I have done much to promote the cause of females in the engineering profession. Which is why it is particularly disappointing to realise that 30 years of liberation has merely made western women permanently unsatisfied.
By April, several months of celibacy and the shock that I had for a nanosecond began to fantasize about by ex-wife prompted the conclusion it was time to book the big bird back to Bangkok. If I am the archetypal sex tourist, then so be it.I had just been made redundant again and my resources were limited so it was probably not sensible to blow my last grand on a trip to Thailand, but when do we ever do sensible? The thought of the ever beckoning chair in a nursing home contributed to the decision.
The Thai airways flight got me to Nana late afternoon in time to meet my old pal Pip in the Bus Stop to fuel up for the visit to Soi Cowboy. In the Dollhouse and Tilac I met up with some old pals and whilst it was good to see Pip again, for some reason I was still pissing Birmingham water and I found I couldn’t relax. Usually I have to suck a lemon to remove the permanent smile of my face as soon as I arrive in the Land of Smiles.
I eventually returned to Nana and to the Angels disco. It being the place of last resort I had not spent much time there and had never watched the floor show before. I found myself totally mesmerized by the dancers and their enchanting routines. I sat there for quite some time absolutely captivated by the simple charm of these girls until the call of nature prompted a visit to the toilet. I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror, and there it was again, the biggest grin in Thailand. I had returned home.
Next morning I dropped into the Nana’s Golden bar and chatted to a few girls. I usually have a girl from Golden bar as it serves as a sort of base camp for me. I am chosen by Von who I had met on a previous visit. She is a lovely sensible girl, 36 years old and experienced enough to know how to look after a man of a certain age. We have lunch together then back to my room to get to know each other and for her to take deposit of my 6 months of abstinence. At 7.00 she went home and I made way again to Soi Cowboy.
In the Dollhouse a delicious little creature joins me. The Mamasan who has known me for some time informed me that this girl had only been dancing a week and she had not been yet been barfined. She suggested I should take advantage of this opportunity. In the land of make believe who knows if this was true but there are times for the sake of your own sanity that you take things at face value and suspend a natural scepticism. This girl was perfection, only 19 years old with an anatomy that can best be described as a mouse’s ear. The experience was incomparable for a man of my advancing years, as my pal Union Hill declares “it don’t come in jars”.
Unlike most of the contributors to this site, I am not particularly well endowed. So whilst purchasing condoms in the pharmacy near the Nana when the girl asked if I wanted large or medium I fought the urge to say “large of course”. Experience has taught me the big ones fall off so I sheepishly requested medium hoping that there were no farang guys in earshot. Never let vanity override comfort.
My routine in first few days involved checking the Internet for job offers, afternoon sessions with Von and evenings in the ogling dens on NEP or Soi Cowboy. One evening I found myself in Mandarin in the NEP. I had not been in this bar for 18 months and I remember the girls then appeared to be very young. They appeared to have corrected this and now it was quite a pleasant bar. I sat for some time with two delightful sisters who attempted to persuade me to take them both for a threesome. Although this is on my list of “things to do” before my demise, pragmatism suggests this encounter may have accelerated the process so I declined.
Later in the Angelwitch my attention was drawn to one girl who was quite exotic and different. Her aquiline features suggested an Arabic or Middle Eastern a