It was a simple, yet elegant plan. It would be a Sunday, we would leave the Ambassador at 5:30 AM, drive to Samut Prakhan and pick up Mama and Papa at 6, do an end run around Bangkok and shoot up to Lopburi, take some monkey pictures, do lunch and head back with a short stopover at Ayuthya. I'd be back at the Ambassador's outdoor bar by 3PM, thereby missing the evening rush, sipping my first vodka martini.

WHATEVER COULD GO WRONG????? HA!!!!

The appointed day arrived and my trusted taxi driver, Mr. Chai showed up on time with his brother-in-law, our driver, (no English) and a minivan as I had requested. We hopped in and headed for Mama's house. We got there as planned at 6 AM to find everyone still asleep.

Oh well - this won't take long!! HA again!

We wake them up and they dress very quickly. But wait - we must eat breakfast first and then we must prepare food for the "road". We have also picked up two more passengers, a nephew and granddaughter. Thank God/Buddha I ordered a minivan.

So now we're on the road and only an hour behind. Oh oh, we forgot the cell-phone and must return to the house to retrieve it. Now we're 1 1/2 hours behind and I'm having a serious sinking feeling.

But finally we're on our way and I know we're on the right road (I have a map) and clipping away at a nice 120 K/hr. About an hour into the trip we suddenly leave the highway and I ask, "where are we going?" The reply?, "Don't worry, everything OK". Shortly, we come upon this HUGE fruit and vegetable market with thousands of booths and tens of thousands of pickup trucks and pull up to this watermelon vendor. I'm thinking, what the fuck are we buying watermelons for?

Wrong George, we're not buying watermelons, we're picking up 2 uncles and 2 aunts and 1 niece. Now we have 12 people in a 10 person minivan. Holy Christ, what have I gotten myself into here.

Little did I know what was yet to come!!!

So off we go and very shortly back on the highway to Lopburi, now 2 1/2 hours behind. As we approach Monkeyville I can see large outcroppings of limestone hills and know that we are very close. Without warning, we leave the road and are now heading East instead of North. Franticly I ask again, "where are we going?". They reply "To the Dam."

To the Dam??? What fucking Dam???

Then I realized the truth. I've been fucking kidnapped. The only person in the van that speaks English is my wife and she's not about to defy her "elders" by declaring my wishes. These folks are on a full "paid-by-me" holiday and they're going to do what they damn well please.

By now we're hopelessly behind schedule and my thoughts turn to the dreaded rush hour traffic awaiting us upon our return to Bangkok.

The Dam turned out to be a "piece of shit" Thai tourist attraction about 10 meters tall. The pollution/fog was so thick you couldn't see the lake behind it. We fed the fish, took some pictures and I thought that was it. <I have to agree and say that that dam is an incredibly boring place to visit. The one time I went there, I was amazed that there were a zillion Thais there...even the Mrs. could not understand what they saw in it - Stick>

Of course that wasn't "it". There was a large open food pavilion and everyone was hungry. Since we were in the boondocks, I thought it would be wise to check out the toilet for western stools, 'cause I was going to need one if I ate. 3 doors were open and 2 closed. The open ones had squat toilets and I assumed the others did too. I reported this to my wife and told her I wouldn't be eating. She of course, told her entire family which caused quite a stir. They assured me there were western toilets. By now I don't trust anyone in this bunch and return to check. 3 baht later, the other 2 doors are open and indeed, they are western.

So, let's eat and run I say. Oh no - we have tickets for the train they say. Train? What train? "Over there" they say - "we ride over dam."

The ride over the dam is short. Trouble is that once over the dam there's nowhere to turn around so we drive another 5 km to the turnaround spot and of course another 5 km back.

Finally, finally, we are on the road to Lopburi at a time we should be returning to Bangkok.

Lopburi's monkeys are a farce. I suppose at one time there was a large community roaming the streets - but no more. A hundred or so sharing a dump of a Wat with rats. And why not - there's rotting fo